The Colostamy Bag Sweep | A Jiu Jitsu Instructable

I could see the hunger in his eyes. He smiled grimly as you slapped hands and bumped fists, and then he was in. He glided like a lubed up butt plug through my guard and into side control. He had the match well in hand, and then it happened. The sweep of all sweeps.

The Colostamy Bag sweep.

There are but a few steps in this epic technique, but in order to pull it off you must be elite. Elite in the sense that people actually believe you might be broken enough to need a colostamy bag.

And I just happen to be that broken.

Step 1: Accept your fate. Allow that young fellow to slip into side control and settle down. Turn your hips 15 degrees and be ready to explode.

Step 2: Say, “Oh, shit… hold on. You’re squeezing doo doo out of my colostamy bag.” If you do it with a hint of a tremor of terror in your voice and look of feigned shock and disgust, it’ll be more effective.

Step 3: Your opponent will make a disgusted face and posture up, probably saying something to the effect of “what the fuck?”

Step 4: Place your hand on your opponent’s face and push him backwards hard. He will fall down. Sweep complete.

Note: You will probably get murdered after the completion of this move. Also, it will only work once. Ever. You’re welcome.

Seasoned BJJ Practitioners Defeat Covid-19 on Technicality

Jacksonville, FL.

Local blue belt Flavio Silva is at it again.

This time, he’s reopened his academy amidst a global pandemic and despite strict government lockdown protocols.

When questioned about the wisdom of such a move, Silva replied, “We play the ‘modern game’ around here. It’s mostly Imanarai rolls and butt scooting anyway. The really talented guys can go a whole ten minute match with actually violating quarantine.”

White belt Chris Peters was a little more sceptical.

“I sorta thought the point was to be close to your opponent,” he lamented. “Boy, professor sure set me straight. I dropped a knee on him in the middle of his Imanari roll and he started shouting ‘quarantine violator!’ I stood up thinking I had violated the rules and he swept me. It was great technique.”

When asked how one might win a grappling match where nobody touches, Silva replied, “Well, I’m Brazilian so I get an automatic two point advantage anyway. I’m currently undefeated in 2020. 186-0.”

For his next class, Silva plans to detail the technique of his new move: the ‘force choke.’

White belt, Peters, said, “I’m looking forward to learning that one. Although, I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to choke myself. At least that’s what professor said. ”

Training resumes Tuesday at 7 pm.

 

 

Blue Belt Discovers Foot Fetish, Wins World Absolute Championship

Josh Tuttle, a Blue Belt from small town Georgia, has just astonished the grappling world by winning the Absolute division world championship. When asked how he accomplished this alarming feat, he admitted it was mostly about feet.

“Man, honestly I don’t know how I did it. I just like feet. I like to look at them and hug them. I was on the mats one day and my compulsion got the best of me. I saw a dude with nicely painted toes and I said to myself, ‘Self, you need to hug that foot immediately.” So I did. He didn’t know what to do, so he just tapped out. I knew right away I was on to something.”

Tuttle went on an inspiring tournament run after that day, becoming hailed as a ‘leg lock king’ in the process. Others disagree on the legitimacy of Tuttle’s claim to greatness.

“He’s not actually doing anything,” explained one black belt. “He’s just a horny kid that likes feet. It’s just nobody knows how to escape leg locks so they think they’re in trouble.”

Whatever the reason, Tuttle reigns supreme until next year. But there’s competition on the horizon already. One up-and-comer is winning tournament matches by the score using his secret technique: the nipple twister. Another has just run through the advanced division at ADCC utilizing his patented “wet willy back attack.” One thing is for sure; the highly competitive sport if Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will continue to evolve into the future.

 

Brown Belt Hospitalized After Dodgeball Warmups Go Horribly Wrong

(FGBJJN) Orlando, FL. A student at Orlando Top Team Brazilian Jiu Jitsu was hospitalized after a game of warmup dodgeball went horribly wrong on Tuesday, according to a police spokesman.

Jorge Kulimov, formerly of Orlando Sambo Federation, was the injured student.  Kulimov had only recently been promoted to Brown belt by head instructor Hicardo Alcantara after a long career in Russian Sambo, and was reportedly unused to the BJJ warmup shenanigans which resulted in his injury.

“We don’t do fucking dodgeball in Sambo,” Kulimov was quoted as saying. “The only balls you dodge in Sambo are my balls, when I’m foot locking you from reverse mount.”

Alcantara was steadfast in his belief that Kulimov probably had it coming.

“He was always bitching about how soft BJJ schools are, about how we never do anything hard core, and about how we coddle our students.  I decided to take the warm up dodgeball game up a notch and substituted in an 8 lb medicine ball. How’s that for hard core, Jorge?” Alcantara mused.

Kulimov remains in stable condition at the Orlando Regional Medical Center. Orlando Top Team is soliciting donations to cover the cost of the pool party to celebrate Kulimov’s demise.

 

Purple Belt Misinterprets Professor’s Instructions to “Show Them The Twister”

Delhi, India. Local purple belt, Vihaan Gupta, was relieved of duty as head instructor for the Gracie Delhi Kid’s Jiu Jitsu program today amidst accusations of impropriety. Several mothers walked in after venturing out for a Frappuccino to find their kids entangled together in a sweaty heap in the middle of the mats.

“There’s just no explanation for it,” cried one mother, obviously distraught.  “They’re supposed to be learning how to become a killing machine, and instead they’re playing perverse American games?  I’m offended. They could have at least played a Brazilian game with the kids like Queimado or  Barra-bandeira.  It is Brazilian Jiu Jitsu.  Duh.”

Gupta, for his part, insisted it was all a misunderstanding.

“Professor told me to ‘teach them the Twister.’ But I didn’t know the Twister, so I googled it, and this game was the first image I saw.  It had kids.  It looked legit.” Gupta lamented.

“Little Sanjay pulled his spleen muscle!” Exclaimed another anxious mother.  “He had to be on the bottom because he spun first, but then he didn’t want to give up his back, and the other kid got ‘left foot blue’ and Sanjay just couldn’t handle it.  He had to pull guard, but they were all tangled up!”

“It was awful,” Gupta exclaimed. “Little Ananya was strattled behind Aditya, and she was bending over him and reaching between his legs for that ‘right hand green.’  it looked… Oh fuck.  I’m so fired.”

Head Instructor at Gracie Delhi, Professor Chadha, declined to comment except to say “I can’t believe this idiot used left over Holi powder to create the colored circles.  That crap is never coming out of the mats. What an idiot.”

 

 

White Belt Loses. Learns Nothing.

Atlanta, GA.  John Sanders, a local Brazilian Jiu Jitsu white belt, was busy sparring at the end of a particularly arduous class on Wednesday evening when the unthinkable happened.  Sanders lost. And he learned nothing.

“I don’t even really know what happened,” Sanders offered.  “I was just sitting there in this blue belt’s guard and, viola, I was choked.  I didn’t see it coming.  I’m not even totally sure what happened to be honest.”

The age old mantra of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu practitioners worldwide has been “You win or you learn,” a lesson passed down from professor to student since time immemorial. Sander’s Professor, Juan Manicotta, declined to answer questions related to any specific incident, but did offer the following comment:

“Sometimes you don’t think you’re learning, but you are.  Sometimes you think you’re unconscious from the choke, but really you are learning so much that your brain just has to shut down in order to process all of the wonders to which you’ve just been exposed.  I had a guy shit his trousers once.  He learned so much that the knowledge literally occupied all of the space in his body, and out came the poop.  That was some good learning,” said Manicotta.

As for Sanders, as of press time he still had not solidified any sense of expanded knowledge.  He intends to continue training, and has since begun recording his lessons into a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu journal, although he admits it’s mostly just doodles.

“I literally have no idea what the hell is going on,” Sanders said. “I mean, how am I supposed to write down what I’m learning if the only time I learn is when I’m unconscious?”

World’s “Worst Grappler” Attains Massive Sponsorship

In a startling viral video making the rounds of the Brazilian Jiu Jitsu community Wednesday, the tournament scene was introduced to an athlete who wishes to be identified only as ‘the Business’ competing in his first official BJJ tournament:

Eye gouges, pokes, strikes, and slams, all of which are illegal, were employed by ‘the Business’ in his inaugural contest.  Sadly, the Freshman effort came up a little short as a disqualification was issued by the referee ringside.

“I felt good,” said the Business after the match. “I felt strong.  Those Nikes really gave me that extra foot grip I needed and put me over the edge competitively. And if I hadn’t been dominating him, I would have taken the shoes off.  The foot funk is my secret weapon.  Nothing like a Gogoplata with a little extra toe cheese to seal the deal.”

Despite his disappointing turnout in the tournament standings, the Business did manage to reap a silver lining from the day’s events.  A massively lucrative sponsorship deal.

“I was approached by a guy in a suit,” the Business said. “He said, ‘Dude, we were going to offer this sponsorship to a female athlete, but after that display, I can’t think of anything more perfect than bringing you on board.’ And just like that, I got sponsored by the Summer’s Eve competition team.”

The C.B. Fleet Company, who owns the Summer’s Eve brand, declined to comment.  However, sources inside the company who elected to remain nameless were able to confirm that the Business will be paid predominately in broken dreams and crappy black rash guards.

Blue Belt Rents Coliseum For Upstart BJJ Academy

Flavio Silva, a local Jacksonville, FL area Brazilian Jiu Jitsu blue belt, signed an official thirty year lease this morning with the Jacksonville Memorial Arena.  With this symbolic first step, Silva plans to ascend to the heights of business success by building the world’s largest Brazilian Jiu Jitsu academy.

“It’s only $26,000 per month in rent, so I only need to sign up 260 students to break even,” Silva stated.  “I should be able to do that within the first couple of months,” he added. “Of course, I can only hold classes on Tuesdays at 1:00 pm because of all the other events at the Coliseum, but parking is outstanding so I figure it should be a fair trade.”

Silva, a blue belt, might be considered a journeyman at Brazilian Jiu Jitsu by most people.  Far from stopping him from launching his BJJ academy, Silva believes his fresh perspective on the art form can add value to the training regimen of his students.

“If you want to learn coherent technique, taught in the traditional way, there are lots of places in Jacksonville that offer those things,” Silva stated. “My competitive advantage is that I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing, and that’s going to allow us to create a lot of moves that nobody has ever seen before.  It’s exciting.”

Classes begin on Tuesday at 1:00 pm. Monthly fees range from $100 to $750, depending upon whether you can defeat Silva in a five-minute, points-based sparring session.

 

Stud Muffins Attend Local Open Mat

So we had a visiting black belt come through from Fight Sports down in Daytona yesterday.  It was a great training session, and I learned a lot.  He brought some regular, run-of-the-mill guys with him to participate.  I snapped a picture:

We heard it was no gi day. Who wants to roll?

Yeah.  Nothing like showing up to BJJ practice with your normal dickbag level of fitness and find a trailer full of savages salivating at you as you slip into your gi. If I had to sum up what it felt like, I’d offer the following:

C’mon guys. You said LIGHT rolling!

Look, there’s nothing wrong with being a stud.  If you want to do silly shit like cardio, training, practice, eating right, and getting proper rest, you too can be a BJJ savage.  If, like me, you prefer hookers and blow, long walks through the food court, and staying up all night watching soft porn on Skinemax, you probably aren’t going to make much progress, but I digress.

Execute a back bend. Finish the choke.

We learned the loop choke, and several variations.  I did almost all of them correctly, except for the one where the black belt is all like “All you need to do is dislocate your spleen, do a Cirque du Soleil backflip roll, and finish him by inserting your leg around the back side of his body at an impossible twat-waffle angle.” But hey, practice makes perfect.  Or some shit about perfect practice…who the fuck knows what that crap means.

I should mention that this is, by no means, my first encounter with loop chokes.  If you’d like a run down on my previous experience, I offer you the following article:

A Fishy Metaphor and Other Nonsense