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Fat Guy BJJ Blog

The slightly sarcastic, nominally entertaining Brazilian Jiu Jitsu adventures of a 30-something Dad

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Stud Muffins Attend Local Open Mat

So we had a visiting black belt come through from Fight Sports down in Daytona yesterday.  It was a great training session, and I learned a lot.  He brought some regular, run-of-the-mill guys with him to participate.  I snapped a picture:

bodybuilders
We heard it was no gi day. Who wants to roll?

Yeah.  Nothing like showing up to BJJ practice with your normal dickbag level of fitness and find a trailer full of savages salivating at you as you slip into your gi. If I had to sum up what it felt like, I’d offer the following:

surrounded
C’mon guys. You said LIGHT rolling!

Look, there’s nothing wrong with being a stud.  If you want to do silly shit like cardio, training, practice, eating right, and getting proper rest, you too can be a BJJ savage.  If, like me, you prefer hookers and blow, long walks through the food court, and staying up all night watching soft porn on Skinemax, you probably aren’t going to make much progress, but I digress.

Contortion_backbend (1)
Execute a back bend. Finish the choke.

We learned the loop choke, and several variations.  I did almost all of them correctly, except for the one where the black belt is all like “All you need to do is dislocate your spleen, do a Cirque du Soleil backflip roll, and finish him by inserting your leg around the back side of his body at an impossible twat-waffle angle.” But hey, practice makes perfect.  Or some shit about perfect practice…who the fuck knows what that crap means.

I should mention that this is, by no means, my first encounter with loop chokes.  If you’d like a run down on my previous experience, I offer you the following article:

A Fishy Metaphor and Other Nonsense

Bible Verses For BJJ, And Other Tomfoolery

offended-jesusNow, I’m not an uber-religious dude, but I do read the bible.  I consider it to be wisdom literature of the highest order, and if you’re me, you could use a little wisdom from time to time.  That being said, I’ve compiled a compendium of my favorite scripture for Brazilian Jiu Jitsu for your viewing pleasure, gentle reader.  These verses will comfort you, set you on the right path, and remind you what BJJ is all about. Here goes:

John 11:35Jesus wept.  This is an important lesson for white belts, because there will be tears.  You might try to hide it behind statements like “we win or we learn,” and “a black belt is just a white belt who never quit,” but you know that deep down in your heart your soul is leaking. If you’ve ever been on the bottom in North/South, or gone through the progression of collar chokes from back, or had your oil checked by a higher belt, then you know all about tears. Also, if you’re a higher belt, it’s OK to make white belts cry because Jesus said so.

Ephesians 6:12For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of darkness in this world, and against spiritual wickedness in high places.  Not a biblical scholar?  Let me help you with the interpretation of this one:

Principalities = Black Belts
Powers = Brown Belts
Rulers of Darkness = Purple Belts
Spiritual Wickedness in High Places = Blue Belts (But only in mount)

Joshua 7:12– Therefore the children of Israel could not stand before their enemies, but turned their backs before their enemies, because they were accursed: neither will I be with you any more, except ye destroy the accursed from among you. Just a friendly reminder not to give up your back. If you do, God will abandon you. Don’t shoot the messenger.  🙂

Joshua 22:8And he spake unto them, saying, Return with much riches unto your tents, and with very much cattle, with silver, and with gold, and with brass, and with iron, and with very much raiment: divide the spoil of your enemies with your brethren.  I’m pretty sure this means that you’re supposed to split your medals up among the kids that didn’t win any, you know, so everybody feels special. I’m also pretty sure you’re supposed to bring a burger for everyone if you go to Five Guys.  That’s what the cattle thing is about. Also, I think we’re supposed to live in tents when we go to competitions. Thus sayeth the Lord.

Judges 2:18 And when the LORD raised them up judges, then the LORD was with the judge, and delivered them out of the hand of their enemies all the days of the judge: for it repented the LORD because of their groanings by reason of them that oppressed them and vexed them.  I’m fairly certain this verse is meant to help me not punch a referee in the face when they start favoring the Brazilians or counting to three as slowly as humanly possible. The LORD is with the Judge people, so you’re going to have to complain to someone other than the head referee. Like that one time, in a competition, when I mounted a fat guy but my knees jesus.jpgwouldn’t touch the ground, and the ref wouldn’t give me the points, and I was both oppressed and vexed.  Yeah. The Lord is with THAT GUY.

Oh, calm your tits.  Jesus knows what I’m up to, and he clearly didn’t smite me, so we must be cool. I think God has a sense of humor.  The church…not so much.

 

I’m a Blue Belt Blogger, And A Gangster of Love.

Recently, well…today, I read a post.  OK, I read the majority of a post, on Facebook, from a dude I highly respect, Professor Tom Deblass:

tom-quote

That shit is hilarious! He said balls!  But I digress…

Imagine his surprise when he learned that a Blue Belt can make his very own blog and pontificate to his heart’s content about anything under the sun, including Jiu Jitsu. What’s that?  Qualifications?  Surely a sweet beard is the only qualification I need:

sweet beard

Hot damn, now there’s a guy who knows everything about everything. And, to be honest, I’ve brought you some real gems.  See for yourself, and read a little snippet:

If Your BJJ Were An Animal, What Would It Be?

“Let’s not forget awkward bear pulling guard.  You could be in real danger if you wade into my guard, but you’re probably not going to, right?  Since I’d rather hibernate than chase you, I’m probably going to just end up sitting here like this until the beeper goes off and we change partners, at which time I will repeat the same scenario again.”

Top Tips For New Jiu Jitsu Competitors

 There were no mats to warm up on, which is probably a lot of fun and giggles for the little tiny ass featherweight guys.  But for the bigguns like myself, we need a minimum operating strip of runway to get this party started.  I can’t just walk out there and fight.  My neck, my back, and my spleen are now traumatized.”

#WhiteBeltLivesMatter

“The Jiu Jitsu experience can’t be all nut sacks and heavy breathing.  We need some small victories as well, you know, to keep us going.”

And, of course…

The Wet Willy Turtle Break Video

Yeah, I’ll just leave those right there.  I even write Jiu Jitsu haiku:

I passed your guard once…
I wonder if it was real?
Fuck it.  Let’s eat.  Oss.

Now, given my level of literary prowess, I would think that my qualifications speak for themselves.  For anybody who thinks you need years and years of experience to pontificate…nay, bloviate, on a given topic, I’ve got two words for you….

Donald Trump.

I hereby offer the following course of action for people who don’t like reading BJJ articles from Blue Belts:

thrown

As a side note to Professor DeBlass, I’m joking.  Please don’t kill me. 🙂

Update: Shortly after publishing this article I was accosted by these people:

bjj-kids.jpg

Stop laughing.  They’re tougher than they look. I heard they were from team Renzo Gracie, so I immediately hid my ankles, but in no time they had roughed me up properly.  Long story short, I’m allowed to write about Jiu Jitsu going forward, as long as I let them savagely edit proofread my articles.  Also, I’m not allowed to write about leg locks until I’m a brown belt, minimum.  And never, ever write about reaping the knee.  Got it. Now release my wife and kids, you savages.

Look At it! Look At My Precious!

Juan Verde Blue BeltLook at my precious!  Never mind the fact that it looks like I stole my kid brother’s belt for this photo (I got a little over-zealous with how much weight I’ve lost).  Never mind the fact that it took me slightly less time than it took the Grand Canyon to form. I have it, and it is mine!

There are many blue belts, but this one is mine.  And yours sucks. Well, maybe not, but mine is certainly better.  Actually, this one isn’t mine.  I ordered a slightly larger one.  But I digress.

And with this belt promotion, my journey to the dark side is complete.  I’m sorry all of you Jedi enthusiasts, but I’m of the Sith.  I’ll do kesa gatame on your mommy.  I’ll do a leg lock on a hedgehog. I’ll pass guard on a retard.  I’ll put a twister on your sister. It’s real over here.

I guess I can’t be accused of #whitebeltprivledge any more.

 

Top Tips for New Jiu Jitsu Competitors

Jiu Jitsu competition is something….it truly is.  I don’t quite know whether that something is good or bad yet, but it’s something. Here’s my experience with the IBJJF Atlanta Pro last weekend, organized into bite-sized morsels for your reading pleasure:

Bring a fan. Not that kind that claps and yells your name; the kind that blows cold air and provides ambient noise at night.  In fact, bring two, just in case your knucklehead room mate  illustrious coach decides to ninja kick it off the nightstand and break it all to shit just as you attempt to get a good night’s sleep before your fights.

castaway
Don’t be in a hurry. 
I was scheduled to fight at 3:30.  We were to report to the bull pin 40 minutes before our scheduled fight time, so at 2:50 I was doing light calisthenics and getting hyped.  This pic here is me at about 7:42 pm when we still hadn’t been called to roll.  I resorted to scrawling my life’s story into the concrete walls of the ballroom just to stave off the boredom.

Warm-ups?  WTF are those?  There were no mats to warm up on, which is probably a lot of fun and giggles for the little tiny ass featherweight guys.  But for the bigguns like myself, we need a minimum operating strip of runway to get this party started.  I can’t just walk out there and fight.  My neck, my back, and my spleen are now traumatized.  Thanks a lot IBJJF.  Next time I’m bringing my own team to get me ready and help me loosen up.

fat-guy-gets-pampered

 

#WhiteBeltLivesMatter

white-beltEverybody has been talking about “Black Lives Matter” and “Blue Lives Matter” and what not, so I thought I’d piggy back on that trend and let you in on a little secret, gentle BJJ practioner:

White Belt lives matter, too.

The Jiu Jitsu experience can’t be all nut sacks and heavy breathing.  We need some small victories as well, you know, to keep us going.

I hereby declare April 25th to be “Allow a White Belt to Pass Your Guard Day,” and you fuckers need to make it look authentic.  Nobody wants a pity pass.  Well, we do want a pity pass, but we want you to pretend like we earned it.  Bastards.

And don’t be that shitbag that immediately reverses the position just because you can.  With your shrimping and other superfluous bullshit….  Fat Guys need to rest for at least 15-20 seconds after passing the guard, so just lay there and take it.  For the future.

And now, a Fat Guy BJJ Haiku:friends

I passed your guard once…

I wonder if it was real?

Fuck it.  Let’s eat.  Oss.

 

An Unimpeachable Statistical Analysis of Probabilities For BJJ Practice Tonight

I sometimes like to slip into my prognosticator’s hat and take a stab at predictive statistical analysis, so I’ve crunched the numbers based upon all of my previous BJJ experience to produce a pie chart of probabilities of what might happen at practice tonight.  I think you’ll find it to be quite accurate.

bjj-analysis

Things Which Have Taken Less Time Than My Progression to Blue Belt

I’ve been sitting here thinking.  I started Jiu Jitsu sometime shortly after the titanic sank and I’ve been at it a while now.  I’ve strung together some injuries, some spells of not training, and some stubborn refusal to try things, and the result is that I’m the world’s most seasoned white belt.   Here are a few things which have taken less time than me progressing to blue belt:burj

  • The gestation period of the female black rhino, which typically lasts from 15-17 months.
  • The slow march to American socialism, which has really picked up steam in the last 2-3 years.  Yeah, I’ve been a white belt longer than that.
  • The Civil War.  Not even kidding.
  • The building of the Burj Khalifa.
  • Tim Tebow’s career.
  • The slow degradation of Miley Cyrus’s self respect.
  • The entire presidency of William Henry Harrison.
  • Floyd Mayweather’s reading of the Cat in the Hat.

But I digress. Who really needs a belt anyway when you’re having so much doggone fun?

Behold, My White Belt Moves

When I try to go north/south on my instructor:

panda

When I try to escape anything from a purple belt or higher:

turtle

When I’m chilling on the sidelines and coach calls me to roll with a higher belt:

sheep.gif

Me and the other white belts trying to shrimp during warmup drills:

anigif_enhanced-buzz-19227-1387492352-2

When those little tiny white belts want to stand up rather than engaging:

fail29-gif

 

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