So, I’ve been training BJJ for approximately 10 months now, and I’ve got a small confession to make.  I still can’t tell what the fuck is going on when two people, blue belt or higher, are grappling.  All I see is a bunch of hip gyrations, heavy breathing, and grunting.  Every once in a while I just yell some shit so I can be cool like all the other kids.

“Isolate something and get position.”  Or some other such bullshit.

Which, frankly, is exactly the same thing that the other coaches are doing. After carefully scrutinizing the coaches on approximately ten matches, I’m pretty sure nobody has any idea what the piss is going on at a Jiu Jitsu tournament.  Especially not the judges.

I studied the judges in an attempt to get a better understanding of what the roller-blading Christ is happening, and all I did was get more confused.  As far as I can tell, these are the rules for BJJ competitions:

  1. Give it to the Brazilian kid.
  2. If there’s no Brazilian kid, give it to the dude with the most recognizable “Gracie” patch on his gi
  3. If nobody has a Gracie patch, give it to the dude with the most stripes on his belt.
  4. If nobody has any stripes, give it to whoever ends up on top.
  5. If nobody is on top when it’s over, give it to the kid who doesn’t attend that one gym that really gets on your nerves.
  6. If you hate every other gym, just proclaim loudly “I am the winner! You both lose! Who will challenge me?”

So, that’s how the judging works anyway.  As for how you’re supposed to know what mat you fight on and when, who the fuck knows?  Maybe it’s best if we don’t know.