I’ve heard about people who like to do Brazilian Jiu Jitsu on the beach, and I just want to take a second and put a stop to that high-fallutin’ bullshit before it even gets started with this dude.  You see, skinny people have a lower crevice to to plane ratio than fat dudes. I know I need to explain that shit to you jock, mathematically challenged mother fuckers, so a “plane,” in this case, is not a fucking magical winged contraption that takes you from New York to L.A. really, really fast.  It’s a flat space, presumably between two non-flat spaces, in mathematics. In other words, you’ve got stomach, I’ve got crack.  You’ve got back, I’ve got more cracks.  Get it?

You can probably leave a beach rolling session with a few grains of sand stuck between your sack and leg.  I’ll leave with twice my body weight in sand lodged incurably between my rolls.  You can fix your problem by sticking a hose in your shorts.  I have to get my neighbor to lift my back fat if I want to fix my problem.  Comprende?

Further, I know how much fun it is to take your shirt off when you’re 8% body fat, but that ship has sailed clear to fucking Tunisia by now for me.  In fact, it’s been captured by Pirates and is being held ransom for hot dogs and chips.  So, yeah.  That’s all I have to say about that.