Have you ever tried to explain the purpose of “rolling” to a new person? They’re all like “What am I supposed to do?” I’m all like “Improve your position.” He’s all like “I don’t know what positions are better.” So, I put him in mount. He then decides that mount is at the lower end of the “better positions” hierarchy and begins to do the thing that identifies most newbies: mouth breathing.
Mouth breathing consists of loud, Peppy-LePew-In-Love style breaths, a wild look of unfettered panic in the eyes, and flailing body parts. I, being the big softy that I am, decide to casually fall to my side and let him escape mount. He naturally responds by doing the only logical thing he could think of. He climbs on top on me (I let him. After all, it’s his first day and we want him to come back) and grinds his elbow into my face, all the while mouth-breathing cigarette breath all over my grill while continuing to flair at 1000 fmp (flails per minute).
Whatever. I’m leaving that alone. I will just say that you stank-breath mouth-breathing bastards are one reason why my agent orange acts up and I can’t go to regular classes very often. Keep calm, and eat a fucking tic tac. Chew some gum. Something.
In other news, I’ve finally figured out a goal that I can achieve. I am now striving to lose 10,000 sparring matches before I become a black belt. At the rate I’m going now, I’ll probably lose 10,000 before I hit blue belt, but I digress. If losing is learning, I’m going to be the most educated sumbitch in North Florida. Yee haw.