Fat Guy BJJ Blog

The slightly sarcastic, nominally entertaining Brazilian Jiu Jitsu adventures of a 30-something Dad


May 2012

Day 36: Empirical Schmuckery

I’m freaking motivated for some weight loss goodness right now.  I’m so motivated that I high-fived that dude that constantly eats his boogers.  I just couldn’t contain myself.  I’m so motivated that I ran throughout the mall screaming “protein is my friend!”  Then some old lady in sneakers told me I was doing it wrong.  Mall walkers.

Anyhoo, I picked up a little book called The Smarter Science of Slim by a dude named Jonathan Bailor.  The basic premise of the book is that you can lose more weight faster by understanding the science behind your metabolism.  I came to find out that there is much empirical evidence to support the idea that eating less and working out more actually isn’t the best way to lose weight.  Instead, you need to work out better and eat smarter.  This is beginning to sound suspiciously like what Dennis Pettit told me.

Interestingly, the book suggested that the negative or “eccentric” weight training is more effective for fat burning because it engages some secret ninja muscles or some such shit.  For those, who like me, have no idea what the hell that means….apparently you’re supposed to lower the weight really slowly.  Who knew?  Also, I’m a fat ass because my metabolism is “clogged,” at some set-point….WTF.  The problem with books based upon empirical evidence is that they are so freaking….. empirical.  Nevertheless, interesting read. I don’t know about the part where you only work out once per week for ten minutes though….sounds too good to be true.  And, like the godfather Don Derry once said, (with lip extensions) “If it don’t feel right, don’t do it sunshine.”


Day 33: 7 lbs in 7 days results, and a Hurricane

OK…so it’s not a hurricane, strictly speaking.  It’s a tropical storm.  What you need to know for the purposes of this blog, dear reader, is that any wind gust over 50 miles per hour equates to immediate Mexican food for the Greene family.  It’s sort of a family tradition.  That being said, I may or may not have consumed some yummy chicken fajitas with beans, rice, and extra cheese just now.  I can neither confirm nor deny.

However, I can confirm that I managed to lose 6 lbs in 7 days, which I have invariably gained back since yesterday was a cheat day.  So, at my lowest point I was at 324 lbs.  I suspect I’m at about 328 if I had to guess right now, maybe more or less, to be confirmed after I take the Browns to the Super Bowl…wink, wink.  To any extent, gale force winds and driving rain are a perfectly good excuse to not go to the gym today, so I will be more than happy to sit at home and revel in my fatness.  Back to the grind tomorrow, provided we have electricity.

Since it’s veterans day, I must do the needful.  I want to spend a few moments remembering my fallen brothers in arms who answered the call of this nation to stand and fight against Islamic fascism anywhere it rears its ugly head.  To Travis Griffin, Jason Cunningham, and many, many more who never made it back….we will never forget you.

“There, but for the grace of God, go I.” –John Bradford

Day 31: I’d Rather Fornicate With A Bobcat In A Phone Booth Than Go To The Gym Today

Somebody out there knows who Cephus Benner is.  If you’re that person, then you can truly appreciate this title.  For those of you who don’t know who Cephus Benner is, he’s a legendary badass of the military persuasion second only to the unfathomable baddass-ness of The Michael Chambers.  If you don’t know who Michael Chambers is, you better ask somebody.  But do it quietly, lest he should hear of your query and consume your young.

Anyway, Cephus said, and I quote (so don’t get on me about the language), “Son, I’d rather butt-f#$% a bobcat in a phone booth than run ten feet.”  At the time, we were talking about PT, which means it was probably about five in the morning on a Tuesday or something like that.  I was like twenty years old at the time, so I didn’t really relate.  But now I get it.  Thanks for the wisdom, Uncle Cephus.

As you might have imagined, “fornicating” with a bob cat in a phone booth is a laborious, often dangerous thing.  So is going to the gym every day when you’re my size.  Why, just yesterday I stepped on a skinny me (like a mini me, except skinny…see what I did there?) and nearly twisted my ankle on the way to the maniac machine.  Alas, I must brave the cold realm of the halls of fitness if I am ever to make it to the beach without scaring the tourists.  Off to the gym I go.

Day 30: The Non Weigh-In Weigh-In

So, after I definitively stated yesterday that I don’t do mid-week weigh-ins, I woke up this morning with the burning urge to do a mid-week weigh-in.  So I did.  I know.  I’m the poster child for inconsistency.  But I digress…

The 7 lbs in 7 days experiment is right on track.  I’ve officially lost 5 lbs in four days thus far.  That puts my total weight at 325 lbs, down from about 355 at the beginning of this thing.  So, I’ve shed 30 lbs thus far total.

And, the truth is that I haven’t gone to the gym in the last two days.  Tuesday I was at school until late, and when I got home I didn’t feel like going.  Wednesday, I didn’t go because I basically didn’t sleep all night on Tuesday night.  Maybe somebody can relate?

It just goes to show the power of diet.  I’ve definitely learned a few things from some smart people, and now I’m making some progress. Today I’m planning to get back into the gym for the big finish and push towards that 7 lbs in 7 days goal.  It would feel really great to achieve a goal without needing to make any excuses or qualifiers.

In other news, we will be having a ridiculous pizza party on Saturday.  I’ll probably gain back 4 or 5 lbs, but screw it.  Don’t get between a fat guy and his pizza.


Becoming Vulnerable So People Can Help You

Usually I’m the type of guy who doesn’t want to be helped.  Just ask my wife.  Most of life’s lessons I have to learn the hard way, or for myself, before I come to the place where I can assimilate them into my life.  While I may be good enough at almost everything to not really need help, fitness and nutrition has always been my kryptonite.

The bottom line is that if I were able to do it alone I would have done it long ago.  The bigger principle is that we all need a little help from our friends sometimes.  Humbling yourself enough to ask for it, or even to receive it when it is being offered, is a learned response for me and not necessarily a natural state.  Nevertheless, I am appreciative of all those who have reached out to help me in the last few weeks.

Now, if I could just get some help with my donkey porn problem, I’d be all set.

Day 29: Read This Or Else

Encourage me, buttholes.  Geez.  What does a guy have to do to get some peer support around here?

I got a new, more sustainable diet from Dennis Pettit, so I’m feeling like I can make this dietary situation last for a lifetime.  It’s still relatively low in carbs, but it adds in some of the right carbs so that I can keep going.  Big thanks to Dennis, my Safeside brother, for taking the time out of his schedule to do that for me.  Also, best of luck to him on his bodybuilding competition coming up in a couple months.

To answer the plethora of questions asked of me, I haven’t actually weighed myself this week yet.  I’m planning to wait until Saturday.  You see, I have this weird calculus running through my brain at all times based upon things like how much I weight.  In my own mind, dieting and exercise is only worth it if I see results.  If I were to weight myself in the middle of a week of hard dieting and find that I had only lost, say, half a pound, I might be tempted to light my hair on fire and dive into a huge pile of pasta, back-stroking in yummy delicious bolognese and shucking off the cares of the dieting world.  Since it’s exceedingly difficult to get spaghetti sauce out of your ears, I think it’s better if I just don’t weigh myself in the middle of the week.  I’m sure you understand.

Day 27: Lets Eat Some Flippin’ Meat!

I get the sneaking suspicion that low carb diets are good for your weight but bad for your cholesterol.  LOL.

Nevertheless, I feel like I’m making some progress.  Once upon a time I had fat rolls (plural).  Then, I got so fat that I had a singular, gigantic fat lump.  Now, I’m happy to report that I have fat rolls again.  Sweet.  How is that a victory, you may be asking?  Only somebody who has had a singular fat lump could really understand.  Try tying your shoes with that thing in the way.  At least fat rolls can be moved.  They’re…..modular.

Also, I have significantly less back fat.  Now, back fat is your body’s way of compensating for oversized mitties (man titties).  It keeps the balance, if you know what I mean.  Since my mitties have been shrinking, it only makes sense that my back fat would dissipate.  Sweet.  However, I took a before photo…and another photo yesterday…..and I can’t really tell the difference.  I would show you the pics to prove my point, but I’m afraid you would never read this blog again.  I’ll just wait until the end and take the obligatory picture with my “fat pants.”

Anyway.  George Foreman steak is calling my name.

Day 26: The Cravings Begin

My diet for this “Lose 7 lbs in 7 days” is basically a low carb diet.  I’m eating off of the George Foreman grill about every three hours.  My metobolism is a raging beast, and I get hungry again about thirty minutes after I eat.  This is exactly what I’m going for, since it means that I’m being successful at my goal of using the big muscle groups as fat burning machines.  Basically, I treat leg, back, chest, and tricep workouts as fat burning engines.  Hit them hard at the gym and you start the engine.  My cardio just serves to basically put me in calorie deficit.  The muscle groups are doing the heavy lifting of weight loss.  Trust me on this.

However, the down side of this regimen is that it takes me to the land of milk and cookies.  In my head, at least.  My dreams consist of large bowls of pasta.  I literally salivate when commercials come on with french fries or baked potatoes, or pizza (really hate the pizza commercials).  I was on minute 52 of cardio when I had a day dream that I was running butt naked and diving into a pool of wing sauce from Zaxby’s.  I would literally sell my body for a plate of Sonny’s french fries right about now.  If this keeps up you might see me on the corner with high heels and a mini skirt and a sign reading: “Will perform sexual favors for potato chips.”  Siiiiiigggggghhhhh….how far the mighty have fallen.

Day 25: The Metabomonster

I just ate my second George Foreman meal of the day, which consisted of a hamburger patty.  I know what you’re thinking: “Hamburger is fatty.”  Blow it out your butt.  I got the 93% lean meat, and the George Foreman grill takes care of the rest.  I did have Chic-fail-a for breakfast.  I couldn’t help myself.  I blame Alex Loff for not showing up on time for our journey out to Fernandina Beach to train in Escrima.  But, that’s another blog post for another day….

I will say this:  My metabolism is a raging beast right now.  I ate that meat patty and immediately realized that I’m still in calorie deficit. my stomach is all like “What we have here is a failure to communicate.”    It’s all fun and games right now, but when midnight-thirty comes around the joke will be on me.  I’m going to have to chain myself to the bed to avoid diving face first into the gigantic bag of Lays Sour Cream and Onion chips that the lovely wife has tucked away on the top shelf of the cabinet, between the Doritos and the Honey Buns.  Some dudes dream about getting laid.  I dream about Lays.  Yeah.  Its like that.

But if I can persevere….if I can fight the good fight…..I will lose 7 lbs in 7 days.  Gotta stay focused on the goal.  On the bright side, I still get to eat like three more times today.  That’s one way to make a fat kid happy.

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