In a startling viral video making the rounds of the Brazilian Jiu Jitsu community Wednesday, the tournament scene was introduced to an athlete who wishes to be identified only as ‘the Business’ competing in his first official BJJ tournament:
Eye gouges, pokes, strikes, and slams, all of which are illegal, were employed by ‘the Business’ in his inaugural contest. Sadly, the Freshman effort came up a little short as a disqualification was issued by the referee ringside.
“I felt good,” said the Business after the match. “I felt strong. Those Nikes really gave me that extra foot grip I needed and put me over the edge competitively. And if I hadn’t been dominating him, I would have taken the shoes off. The foot funk is my secret weapon. Nothing like a Gogoplata with a little extra toe cheese to seal the deal.”
Despite his disappointing turnout in the tournament standings, the Business did manage to reap a silver lining from the day’s events. A massively lucrative sponsorship deal.
“I was approached by a guy in a suit,” the Business said. “He said, ‘Dude, we were going to offer this sponsorship to a female athlete, but after that display, I can’t think of anything more perfect than bringing you on board.’ And just like that, I got sponsored by the Summer’s Eve competition team.”
The C.B. Fleet Company, who owns the Summer’s Eve brand, declined to comment. However, sources inside the company who elected to remain nameless were able to confirm that the Business will be paid predominately in broken dreams and crappy black rash guards.