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Fat Guy BJJ Blog

The slightly sarcastic, nominally entertaining Brazilian Jiu Jitsu adventures of a 30-something Dad

Month

November 2012

Kiss My Asanovich

Brazilian Jiu Jitsu is cancelled until further notice because I can’t lift my legs from the hip down.  After performing Mark Asanovich’s personal training regime, as administered by current Smelly Pirate Hooker Queen Angelica Brotherton, I can’t move my legs.  Not that it would matter if I could move my legs, because I also can’t move my arms.  Good deal.

In other news, I’ve agreed to be Jitsu Claus for Christmas, mostly because I’m the only BJJ guy in the gym who has a gut.  In truth, I’m also working on a pretty gnarly beard.  Either way, I’m going to be taking gift requests from the nice children, and slapping an arm bar on the naughty children, on the 22nd of December.

I’m off to ice my groin and recover from the workout of destiny so I can do it all again on Saturday.

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Share the Love

“Share the love,” he says.  “I’ll be fun,” he says.  Famous last words from my boxing guru,  Coach Don.  Little did I know that when he says “Share he love” he really means “Let your neighbor slug you in the gut until you feel like there’s an alien spawn in your bowels trying to bust out and do the macarena.  Nice.  In the future, this will be an excellent time to take a bathroom break.

There are three things that I know about boxing.  1) I don’t like getting hit in the face.  2) When I fight, I tend to get hit in the face.  3) Sharing the love is not a good thing.

Meanwhile, in Jiu Jitsu, I have discovered that I get more panicky than Lindsay Lohan without a coke dealer when people lay on me in side mount.  That’s really awesome since, when you panic, you tend to breath rapidly and, when you are in side mount, the neanderthal on top you prevents you from breathing.  Excellent combination.  It’s like being underwater and running out of air in your scuba tanks.  I tap out, and my training partner is all confused like, “Dude, I didn’t even do anything.”

Oh well, I blame it on agent orange.

And then there’s the kicks.  Ah yes.  The kicks.  Angelica Brotherton is actually up for a second Smelly Pirate Hooker Award on this one for making me do this nonsense.  So, you grab the fence, stand on one leg, stick your other leg out, bend at the knee, and do go-go girl kicks.  Only I look like a drunk bum kicking a trash can because my leg isn’t strong enough to hold my fat ass up.  Yeah.

Still training.

Do NOT Taste The Rainbow

For those of you who have been attending No Gi Jiu Jitsu on Tuesday and Thursday morning, this new and very important rule requires no further explanation.  Let’s just say that rash guard pants come in all colors, sometimes at once.

In other news, I hurt my toe today, which shall forthwith be added to my list of injuries which includes my toe, ankle, knee, and shoulder, all on my left side.  I currently look like a stroke victim trying to walk to and from my bed to the bathroom.  In the positive column, my toe injury caused me to invent a new Jiu Jitsu move: the “car shrimp.”

This is how I have to get out of my car now that nothing on my left leg works properly.  It’s simple.  Post up the right leg against the firewall of the car, shrimp the hips out the door, make sure to slap the pavement when your butt hits the asphalt (I said “asphalt” LOL…play on words), and wait on your friendly neighbor to help you up.  Simple.

Normally I would be able to stand up myself, but this week’s Smelly Pirate Hooker award winner, Angelica Brotherton, prevented me from doing that with a ridiculous leg workout on Tuesday which just so happens to hurt today.  It’s always the third day for me….WTH?

The Greatest Jiu Jitsu Move In All The Land

I have a training partner who is much, much smaller than me, and yet constantly beats me.  It’s not so much demoralizing as it is fodder for motivation.  I’ve got to constantly try new things.  One of her (yes, he’s a she) go-to moves when I get a dominant position is to do this fetal position, balled-up, tight to her chest thing.  I can’t do anything with it.  It’s like a seal pushing a ball around with it’s nose.  I can move her in circles but that’s all.  Until, of course, I discovered the greatest Jiu Jitsu move in all the land.

It’s a combination rib tickle-wet Willey that I call “Open Sesame.”  Works like a charm.  First, you tickle halfway between the armpit and the waist, then you lick your finger and insert it into the closest ear hole.  Viola!  Fetal position defeated.

I’m not promising you won’t get punched in the throat, but your opponent will respond.

In other news, there’s a fight tonight and some of the people from our school are competing.  I’m going to scream loudly.  It’s gonna be ridiculous.  Maybe one day soon (a year maybe?) I might be able to jump in the ring and give it a go.  They have divisions for fat guys, you know.

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