Fat Guy BJJ Blog

The slightly sarcastic, nominally entertaining Brazilian Jiu Jitsu adventures of a 30-something Dad


April 2013

54 moves and a BJJ Metaphor (or two)

So, we had a Saturday meeting to go over the curriculum to be promoted to blue belt.  The regular curriculum, which consists of 52 moves, escapes, submissions, etc (perhaps not coincidentally, since there are 52 weeks in a year) was to be the topic.  Upon arrival, Mr. Smiley (don’t let the name fool you, he’s a smelly pirate hooker) decides that we should first “walk through” the self-defenses required for promotion in addition to the other 52 moves.  “Don’t worry,” he says.  “There’s only 54 of them.”  I got hurt on number 24 and subsequently spent the rest of the weekend with ice on my knee (or drunk, either way works). “All you have to do us turn  your leg backwards at an inhuman angle and place the ball of your foot on the ground and pirouette like a ballerina with grace and ease into position before tossing your opponent sixteen feet onto his head,”  he says. Snap.  Fucking athletes.  They never get it.

Fuck’s sake.  And here I though I was close to getting a promotion.  Also, come to find out, once I get my first stripe I have to wait four months to test for my second stripe, which would be cute except I’ve been training for 8 months without any stripes.  Wonder if I can get time off for good behavior?  Given my current rate of training and level of retention of the material, I’ll probably get promoted in 2016.  And, I’m hardly the dullest knife in the drawer around here, if you know what I mean.  So, for your contributions to making sure I remain a white belt forever, James Smiley, you are hereby awarded the Smelly Pirate Hooker status.  Welcome to the club.

In other news, I’ve developed a couple of metaphors to help the new BJJ practitioner understand what to expect:

BJJ is like a Filipino hooker.  Once you start doing it, you might think you’re having fun, but you’re going to end up in the doctor’s office eventually.


BJJ is like dating a mob boss’ daughter.  It’s all fun and games until you get your arm broken.

Now go, young Jedi, and benefit from my wisdom.


Stupid Human Tricks, Curriculum, and Other Oddities

I sometimes get a pretty good laugh out of Jiu Jitsu class.  Just listening to instructors trying to explain the super-human shenanigans that they would like you to emulate is enough to cause most fat people to hyperventilate.  I call them “stupid human tricks.”  Flying arm bars, rolling back flips, Gumby-like contortions.  You get the idea.  Nothing is quite as amusing as when the 8% body fat guy looks at you and goes, “It’s easy.  Just flip backwards over your shoulder, and you’ll come up on top of him.”  Right.  How about we turn this into a sleeping contest, or a hot dog eating contest, or something else at which I have a chance of performing successfully.  Bastards.

In other news, we now have a curriculum, which is a series of 96 Jiu Jitsu moves, each consisting of approximately 43 steps, which must be performed flawlessly in order to get a new stripe.  Not a new belt, mind you, just a stripe.  I should have taken Karate.  I’d be a flipping magenta belt by now, or whatever the fuck they have at the top of the food chain.  Or Tae Kwon Do.  I’d be the grand master of the solar system by now.  But nooooo, I wanted to learn Jiu Jitsu.  We actually have belts that you can’t get until you’re like 80 years old.  Seriously.  We’ve also added Judo to our training mix.

Judo is a really neat martial art.  It’s basically the art of getting body slammed before you do Jiu Jitsu. I’m opting out until I lose substantial weight.  There are only so many body slams a fat guy can take before we need a nap.

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