Fat Guy BJJ Blog

The slightly sarcastic, nominally entertaining Brazilian Jiu Jitsu adventures of a 30-something Dad


September 2014

I Just Broke 500 Tap Outs

If you’ve been following this blog at all over time, you know that I’ve got some sadistic desire to keep track of exactly how many times I’ve tapped out over my career.  I’ve even set a goal.  I’d like to eventually be able to say that I’ve tapped out 10,000 times.  Well, I’ve hit what feels like the first landmark along that road.  500.

It’s actually funny because my master, inquiring about how many taps I’d made it to so far, learned that I was poised at 496 taps.  I guess he wanted to be number 500, so he proceeded to bring out the “B” game.  I’m not going to call it the “A” game, because I know better, but it was solid “B” game.  The catch was we were only doing 4 minute rounds.  Do you think he was able to tap me out 4 times in 4 minutes?

Let’s just say the count officially stood at 501 by the end of that day, thanks in part to another blue belt running up the score after my master was done. He did claim the right to number 500, on three consecutive arm bars and a kimura from guard.  He had plenty of time to adjust his gi, tighten his belt, and stretch in between taps too.  It was…oh hell, I paid some dues.  It’s what white belts do.


New Inductions Into the Smelly Pirate Hooker Cadre

tumblr_ltdi8ctEr01r12s98o1_500It’s been a while since I’ve posted, and I’ve added a couple of new names into the Smelly Pirate Hooker club. This much-vaunted appointment is available only to those who really push the envelope of decency in Jiu Jitsu by doing things like having standards, making fat people exercise, and using their superior technique in….unconventional….ways. Also, anybody I feel like adding to the list, for any reason. So, basically anybody, for any reason, at any time I please, may become a Smelly Pirate Hooker, but as you can see, it’s an elusive distinction.

Last month I added Kristopher Williams to the list of Smelly Pirate Hooker award winners. Here’s a guy who, if you leave your belt on the mat or walk away from it, will pick it up and insert it between his ass cheeks and proceed to floss his buttocks with your belt. Instant Brown Belt promotion. In addition, he’ll teach an escape technique for a particular situation….say, how to escape an armbar, then immediately use his black belt voodoo skills to prevent you from escaping said armbar with said technique while laughing and taunting that “well, it’s not going to work on me, silly.” I’ve also witnessed him making fun of a one-stripe white belt for only having one stripe, even though he’s the one who hands out the stripes. Not cool, smelly, not cool.

This week’s addition to the Smelly Pirate Hooker wall of shame is Nicholas Nix, Brown Belt. Nick receives the Smelly Pirate Hooker award on the back of a long string of incidents whereby he will use superior technique to humiliate white belts publicly while singing…..white people anthems. Yep. There’s nothing like being in bottom position beneath an unrelenting attack while your assailant sings ♪ “Don’t stop, believing….”♫

You, gentlemen, are truly the smelliest of the smelly. My hat’s off to you.

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