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Fat Guy BJJ Blog

The slightly sarcastic, nominally entertaining Brazilian Jiu Jitsu adventures of a 30-something Dad

Month

October 2012

Individual Results May Vary

Join Combat Athletix today and I will personally guarantee that you will lose 100 lbs, add 96 inches of muscle, and become the taker of Norwegian virginity in 30 days or less, period.  *Individual results may vary.

The North American mountain lion makes an outstanding sex partner for those lonely evening camping occasions.  *Individual results may vary.

Also, I’ve developed an amazing new product that is proven to cause women to swoon, your Jiu Jitsu partner to love you, and clouds to part revealing rays of sunshine lighting your angelic face.  It’s called toothpaste.  *Individual results may vary.

In other news, a study has been conducted which reveals that you can eat 4500 calories per day if you commit to doing cardio kickboxing for three straight hours.  *Individual results may vary.

And finally, if you decide to go to Jiu Jitsu six times in a week, do a Muay Thai class, jump rope for ten minutes, and weigh more than 300 lbs….please understand that *Individual results may vary.  That is all.

Muay Tired

I did Muay Thai today instead of Jiu Jitsu for two reasons.  First, my knee, toe, back, shoulder, wrist, ribs, and foot arch hurts and I need a break from that shiz.  Second, I wanted to take some breathtaking photos of Jiu Jitsu in action, which can now be seen on the Combat Athletix Facebook page.

I know they took it easy on me in Muay Thai class.  I know this.  However, it was still brutal for the fat kid.  Jab, jab, cross.  Jab, jab, cross, kick, cross.  WTF?  At this point I would tackle a mo-fo and go to Jiu Jitsu just so I could lay down.  Now I understand MMA. They don’t go to the ground to gain any advantage, they do it to take a nap.  It all makes sense.  My new fat kid fight strategy goes like this:  Jab, jab, cross, tackle, lay upon opponent, take a nap.

I just thought I might point out that I’m undefeated as a professional fighter.  0-0.  Also, what I’m doing is far superior to what you’re doing.

On another note, I’m down like 17 lbs since I started Jiu Jitsu.  Now, that being said, I was up like 19 lbs before I started Jiu Jitsu, so the net effect is that I’m two pounds worse off than I was.  If you think of it that way, it’s kinda depressing.  So, for the sake of my mood, we’ll just say I’ve lost a bunch of weight and ignore the stupid weigh ins on the sidebar.

 

 

My Spleen Hurts

Ok, seriously, I don’t even know WTF a spleen is, or how to hurt it….but mine probably hurts.  I’ve done Jiu Jitsu 6 out of the last 7 days.  Overtraining?  Perhaps.  I prefer to think of it as exercising the gremlins.  But, I digress.

People say, “If it hurts, why do you do it?  What’s the point?”  They don’t quite understand where I’m coming from when I say that I want it to hurt.  If it hurts, then I know I’ve sacrificed something for it.  If it was easy, I wouldn’t value it the same way.  Every time I get on the mat I’m fighting against my old, fat body, the little aches and pains from the last time I rolled, the legitimate injuries to my ankle and shoulder from the war, the laziness inside of me that doesn’t want to do anything, and the little voice in my head that says that I’ll never get in shape, never be any good, never win a fight, never even compete.

Oh, and I’m usually fighting against the pain of being so darn good looking.  I feel bad causing the girls to lust.  But I digress again.

Anyway, the point is that when I finally make it and get in shape to fight, I’ve already won. I need to believe that most people my size wouldn’t go through the torture of Jiu Jitsu.  Is torture too strong a word?  I don’t know.  Imagine having 300 lbs land on top of you every time you slam to the mat.  Imagine having 300 lbs slung across your back while you do your fancy little break dancing warmup moves.  That’s what it’s like for me.  But I don’t give a crap if it kills me, I’m going to do it.  Torture or not.

So, today I dislocated my toe, strained my lower back trying to do some handstand B.S., landed on my shoulder funny, and got choked out, arm barred, smothered by a gigantic wildebeest, and my wrist hurts for no explicable reason (insert joke here).  Who cares?  I’m training tomorrow.  Period.

 

Rear Naked FAIL

So I had the opportunity to attend a seminar today put on by Rhalan Gracie.  If you didn’t know, he’s the son of Relson Gracie, which makes him heir to the throne of Gracie awesomeness.  During the course of the seminar, I learned that being fat makes it harder for people to do practically anything against you.  “Yeah, go ahead.  Wrap your arms around me.  Ha ha ha ha.”  That was me.

I also had the opportunity to choke a few people, which is relatively rare for a white belt, even if they did have to let me because it was a seminar.  I still felt powerful in a “Fist of Goodness” sort of way:

Believe it or not, my neck is actually too fat for people to apply a proper rear naked choke to me.  I don’t know whether to be relieved or shamed.  I do know that I am no longer the newest white belt in the building.  There was a new guy tonight.  I actually got to give some advice.  I was all like:

“Dang, homie.  Don’t let him do you like that.”

“That thing you just did, don’t do that.”

“Just tap.  It’s already over.”

“It’s hard out here for a shrimp.”

“Naw, you supposed to AVOID the armbar.”

You know, really good, actionable advice from the vast archive of Jiu Jitsu wisdom that I have acquired in my five lessons.  Also, in other news, Mr. Smiley managed to find a Gi that fits me.  I’m pretty sure he stole several kids gis and stitched them together, owing from the fact that I have a spare arm hole in the center of my back, but I digress.  At least I don’t look like I stole my kid brothers gi anymore.  It’s a karate gi, but that doesn’t seem to stop people from using the lapels to choke me.

And then, after two hours of great exercise, a sensible lunch, and careful attention to my calorie count, I stopped at Checkers on the way home.  I didn’t plan it.  It just happened.  It’s like I was sucked into a swirling vortex of hunger and just appeared at the speaker box with the big, bright, delicious-looking signage of large burgers.  I swear, my car auto-piloted itself right to the window.  It was like little burger gremlins were working the pedals and the steering wheel.  They were all like “Oh no!  He lost a pound!  We need a burger, stat!”

A Gracie, A Stress Test, and Tales of the Mighty Douche-Cock

Douche pickles.  There’s one in every crowd.  You know them because they usually are loud, obnoxious, and can’t go for more than five minutes without reciting their resume.  It’s like the bullet points on their resume are peacock feathers, and it’s mating season for peacocks.  They have to posture and flaunt.  Is it ok to call them douche-cocks?  You decide.

I had the opportunity to observe a legitimate douche-cock in action today.  It all started with a phone call to the gym during which the douche-cock in question said, “I just want to test ya’ll out, cuz what I do is far superior to what ya’ll do.”  Right.  So, in walks douche-cock 1 with douche-cock 2 in tow.  He looks like a black Paul Sr. to me, big arms, looks like he’s carrying the imaginary box, couldn’t fight a round to save his life from lack of conditioning, you get the idea.  Douche-cock number 2 looks a little more athletic, but still has a distinct aura of douchiness.

And then the trash talk begins.  I’ve noticed in my life that people who can’t do a thing busy themselves with talking about it, meanwhile people who can do the thing are busy doing it.  Douche-cocks numbers 1 and 2 both fit firmly into the former category.  They claim that their method is superior, but they don’t want to spar.  Apparently they’re professional fighters, but have a 0-0 professional record.  I don’t even know.  Of course they don’t want to talk about Jiu Jitsu (or “wrastlin” as they call it) because Jiu Jitsu is the anti douche-cock.  Nothing tames the ego of a big guy like being choked out by a barely-breathing-hard female who’s less than 1/3 of your weight.  It’s pretty impossible to call yourself an expert after that.  So yeah, no Jiu Jitsu.

I can’t help but wonder what the goal of the exercise was for team douche-cock?  If they wanted to look like fucktards, they succeeded.  You’re not going to impress a group of hard working professional trainers with sloppy footwork, lack of head movement, and an obviously weak cardio base.  Also, it’s not really that impressive if you personally know professional fighters or trainers (supposedly), because that still doesn’t prove that YOU can actually do anything.  Third, it’s doubly unimpressive if you insult a REAL fighter by calling her stupid when she exploits the obvious holes in your ridiculous resume.

But I digress.  I did have the opportunity to watch a “stress test,” which was educational.  I also got to shake the hand of a legitimate Gracie, who hopefully will choke me out several times tomorrow.  I’m pretty sure you’re not a legit BJJ guy until you’ve been choked by a Gracie.  I think I rate a stripe on my white belt for having met a Gracie.  I instantly went outside looking for someone to choke.  I walk past like five guys who were in better shape than me, but finally settled on an old lady at publix.  I used the double leg take down on her and passed her guard, circled around into the north-south choke, but she rolled me and beat me with her purse.  Crap.  More training needed.

Five Brazilian Jiu Jitsu Myths Debunked

1) “Those mats are really soft.” Oh yeah?  Tell it to my separated shoulder.  Those mats are most assuredly not soft.  Just ask anyone who has every attempted to do a rear naked choke on their opponent and made the mistake of leaning forward while doing it.  Hint: if you do this you will see the floor, then the ceiling, then the floor again (except really, really close this time).  When you arise, should you arise, you will know for certain that the mats are not soft.

2) “It must be really easy.  All he’s doing is laying there.”  Yep.  It’s easy.  All you have to do is not panic, not get choked, not get arm barred, not get shoulder locked, not let them get past your guard, try to improve your position, try to anticipate what your opponent is going to do next, try to think of a way to trap him in a submission or improve your position, remember to breathe, and look cool at the same time.  Easy peasy.

3) “The big guy will win for sure.” Yeah.  No.  So far I’ve managed to get choked by three white belts (all of whom were smaller than me), a black belt (size doesn’t even matter when you’re rolling with a black belt), and a blue belt who happens to be female.  All of them, who range from 50 to 150 lbs smaller than me, have had absolutely no trouble flipping me on my head, causing me significant pain, and generally embarrassing me.  Add to that videos such as the following, and you know for sure that size means nothing:

4) “Jiu Jitsu is a great work out.” No.  A great workout is one in which I do fifteen minutes of cardio interspersed with being finger fed grapes and rubbed with warm oil by a team of Norwegian virgins.  Jiu Jitsu is an unbelievably brutal workout which makes me want to pass out and vomit, often simultaneously.  It’s not for the weak of heart.  And, by the way, if you find a team of female Norwegian BJJ practitioners who want to feed me grapes, please send my regards.

5) Jiu Jitsu class is full of good looking hispanic men with perfect smiles and chiseled abs.  Well, this one is mostly true.  There is a fairly large portion of hispanic and Brazilian  stud muffins involved with BJJ.  But then there’s me, and herein lies the problem.  If you go to BJJ class to roll around with Pablo the Love Muffin, you’ll likely end up getting sweaty beneath my unrelenting top game.  LOL.  Perhaps not what you bargained for, eh?

Don’t Worry. I Got Sweeps.

Today I learned a couple of very important lessons in Jiu Jitsu:  1) I roll like square rock, and 2) Do not get your head caught between someone’s legs.  Especially if that someone has the jaws-of-life thighs.  Also, I busted my shoulder while being flipped over in some sort of break-dancing helicopter sweep by Mr. Smiley.  I think that has something to do with my lack of rolling ability.

In other news, I only nearly died twice today, which is a steady improvement from my first Jiu Jitsu lesson a couple of weeks ago.  Also, after having kneed my training partner in the eye once, and chopping her in the throat as well, I have agreed to let her punch me in the face at random (within a 4 hour widow so I can wear a mouth piece.  She is a professional fighter) in retaliation for my uncoordinated ostrich flailing and the damage I have caused.  I have yet to decide whether this is a good idea or not, but I’m leaning towards “I’ll probably regret this.”

I’m starting to feel the panic subside when I’m on my back with an opponent on top of me.  At first, I felt the strong urge to slap and claw like a girl fight while simultaneously biting.  I figured that would not be well received in the Jiu Jitsu community, so I settled for tapping out quickly.  Then, I was just confused for like a week.  I just stared at my opponent with a look of fear and loathing.  Finally, I figured out that I can do some stuff from that position.  And, if all else fails, I got sweeps.

Restaurant lady: “Here’s your check.”   Me: “I forgot my wallet.”  Restaurant lady: “I guess I’m going to have to make you wash dishes.”  Me:  “Nah, I got sweeps.”

To the man robbing the liquor store: “Sir, I don’t think you want to do that.”  Robber: “Yeah?  Why not?”  Me:  “Cuz I got sweeps.”

President Obama:  “I’d like to tax you a little more so the poor can be better off.”  Me:  “Uhm, I’m gonna go with no.”  Obama:  “How will you defend yourself against my army of liberal zombies?”  Me: “I got sweeps.”

See?  Works in every scenario.

The North-South Debacle

You say “North-South” and people immediately think about the Civil war, slavery, the underground railroad, etc.  In Jiu Jitsu, North-South means you’ve landed yourself in a ridiculously untenable position, and you must now perform super-human madness to ex filtrate the sweaty crotch funk of your opponent.  It looks like this:

Now, assuming you don’t desire to stay in proximity to the bizalls of your new friend (I really shouldn’t assume), you have to push up on their hips, swing your legs like a pendulum, and do some acrobatic flip-around break dancing type shit.  Guess who was not graceful enough to do it?  Yep. Extra crotch funk for me.  YAY!

In other news, my instructor, Mr. Carlos, is a smelly pirate hooker for making me do lunges down the length of the mat.  Now, every time I try to bend down to pick something up, my left leg starts shaking uncontrollably.  It’s really cute.  I dropped my debit card at Panera and the cashier thought I was having a seizure.  Fun!

Also, I got choked so hard that my throat actually hurts now….so that’s awesome.  Believe it or not, I can’t wait for Thursday!

 

You Might Be A BJJ White Belt If…

So, it’s not secret that a brother has recently begun practicing Brazilian Jiu Jitsu.  It’s fun, and it’s a great workout, but I suck huge ferret huevos at it right now.  Not gonna lie.  Here are my top five (mostly true) ways to tell that you’re a white belt:

1) You out weight your opponent by 300% and still get choked. Yep.  True story.  And he was a she.  It’s cool.  I have no ego left anyway.

2) When your instructor tells you it’s time to roll, you ask if you have to go the whole way down the mat this time.  I did that one too.  Apparently “rolling” is the part where I try to perform the move that I just learned ten minutes ago to no effect.  Who knew?

3) You get stuck in your instructor’s guard as sit up, throw up your hands, and ask “What now?”  To my eternal shame, I kinda didn’t get the whole “rolling” thing.  I guess the objective is to try to attain a dominant position and perform a submission trick of some sort on your opponent.  Great.  But what do you do if you don’t know any submissions?  It’s a good question, right?

4) You’re so fat they actually don’t make gis big enough for you.  I’m pretty sure its impossible to be fat and good and Jiu Jitsu.  Everyone who has choked or arm barred me so far has been pretty thin.  So, if you’re fat, you’re probably a beginner.  Just an observation.

5) You don’t even own any of those super-sexy rash guards and fancy split-side shorts, so you wear a t shirt and cargo pants.  Always the one to make a fashion statement.  You know how I roll.

 

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