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Fat Guy BJJ Blog

The slightly sarcastic, nominally entertaining Brazilian Jiu Jitsu adventures of a 30-something Dad

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August 2016

Brown Belt Hospitalized After Dodgeball Warmups Go Horribly Wrong

face-2(FGBJJN) Orlando, FL. A student at Orlando Top Team Brazilian Jiu Jitsu was hospitalized after a game of warmup dodgeball went horribly wrong on Tuesday, according to a police spokesman.

Jorge Kulimov, formerly of Orlando Sambo Federation, was the injured student.  Kulimov had only recently been promoted to Brown belt by head instructor Hicardo Alcantara after a long career in Russian Sambo, and was reportedly unused to the BJJ warmup shenanigans which resulted in his injury.

“We don’t do fucking dodgeball in Sambo,” Kulimov was quoted as saying. “The only balls you dodge in Sambo are my balls, when I’m foot locking you from reverse mount.”

Alcantara was steadfast in his belief that Kulimov probably had it coming.

“He was always bitching about how soft BJJ schools are, about how we never do anything hard core, and about how we coddle our students.  I decided to take the warm up dodgeball game up a notch and substituted in an 8 lb medicine ball. How’s that for hard core, Jorge?” Alcantara mused.

Kulimov remains in stable condition at the Orlando Regional Medical Center. Orlando Top Team is soliciting donations to cover the cost of the pool party to celebrate Kulimov’s demise.

 

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Purple Belt Misinterprets Professor’s Instructions to “Show Them The Twister”

twister.jpgDelhi, India. Local purple belt, Vihaan Gupta, was relieved of duty as head instructor for the Gracie Delhi Kid’s Jiu Jitsu program today amidst accusations of impropriety. Several mothers walked in after venturing out for a Frappuccino to find their kids entangled together in a sweaty heap in the middle of the mats.

“There’s just no explanation for it,” cried one mother, obviously distraught.  “They’re supposed to be learning how to become a killing machine, and instead they’re playing perverse American games?  I’m offended. They could have at least played a Brazilian game with the kids like Queimado or  Barra-bandeira.  It is Brazilian Jiu Jitsu.  Duh.”

Gupta, for his part, insisted it was all a misunderstanding.

“Professor told me to ‘teach them the Twister.’ But I didn’t know the Twister, so I googled it, and this game was the first image I saw.  It had kids.  It looked legit.” Gupta lamented.

“Little Sanjay pulled his spleen muscle!” Exclaimed another anxious mother.  “He had to be on the bottom because he spun first, but then he didn’t want to give up his back, and the other kid got ‘left foot blue’ and Sanjay just couldn’t handle it.  He had to pull guard, but they were all tangled up!”

“It was awful,” Gupta exclaimed. “Little Ananya was strattled behind Aditya, and she was bending over him and reaching between his legs for that ‘right hand green.’  it looked… Oh fuck.  I’m so fired.”

poudre-mixHead Instructor at Gracie Delhi, Professor Chadha, declined to comment except to say “I can’t believe this idiot used left over Holi powder to create the colored circles.  That crap is never coming out of the mats. What an idiot.”

 

 

White Belt Loses. Learns Nothing.

whitebelt.jpgAtlanta, GA.  John Sanders, a local Brazilian Jiu Jitsu white belt, was busy sparring at the end of a particularly arduous class on Wednesday evening when the unthinkable happened.  Sanders lost. And he learned nothing.

“I don’t even really know what happened,” Sanders offered.  “I was just sitting there in this blue belt’s guard and, viola, I was choked.  I didn’t see it coming.  I’m not even totally sure what happened to be honest.”

The age old mantra of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu practitioners worldwide has been “You win or you learn,” a lesson passed down from professor to student since time immemorial. Sander’s Professor, Juan Manicotta, declined to answer questions related to any specific incident, but did offer the following comment:

“Sometimes you don’t think you’re learning, but you are.  Sometimes you think you’re unconscious from the choke, but really you are learning so much that your brain just has to shut down in order to process all of the wonders to which you’ve just been exposed.  I had a guy shit his trousers once.  He learned so much that the knowledge literally occupied all of the space in his body, and out came the poop.  That was some good learning,” said Manicotta.

As for Sanders, as of press time he still had not solidified any sense of expanded knowledge.  He intends to continue training, and has since begun recording his lessons into a Brazilian Jiu Jitsu journal, although he admits it’s mostly just doodles.

“I literally have no idea what the hell is going on,” Sanders said. “I mean, how am I supposed to write down what I’m learning if the only time I learn is when I’m unconscious?”

World’s “Worst Grappler” Attains Massive Sponsorship

In a startling viral video making the rounds of the Brazilian Jiu Jitsu community Wednesday, the tournament scene was introduced to an athlete who wishes to be identified only as ‘the Business’ competing in his first official BJJ tournament:

Eye gouges, pokes, strikes, and slams, all of which are illegal, were employed by ‘the Business’ in his inaugural contest.  Sadly, the Freshman effort came up a little short as a disqualification was issued by the referee ringside.

“I felt good,” said the Business after the match. “I felt strong.  Those Nikes really gave me that extra foot grip I needed and put me over the edge competitively. And if I hadn’t been dominating him, I would have taken the shoes off.  The foot funk is my secret weapon.  Nothing like a Gogoplata with a little extra toe cheese to seal the deal.”

summer-eveDespite his disappointing turnout in the tournament standings, the Business did manage to reap a silver lining from the day’s events.  A massively lucrative sponsorship deal.

“I was approached by a guy in a suit,” the Business said. “He said, ‘Dude, we were going to offer this sponsorship to a female athlete, but after that display, I can’t think of anything more perfect than bringing you on board.’ And just like that, I got sponsored by the Summer’s Eve competition team.”

The C.B. Fleet Company, who owns the Summer’s Eve brand, declined to comment.  However, sources inside the company who elected to remain nameless were able to confirm that the Business will be paid predominately in broken dreams and crappy black rash guards.

Blue Belt Rents Coliseum For Upstart BJJ Academy

Jax-MemorialFlavio Silva, a local Jacksonville, FL area Brazilian Jiu Jitsu blue belt, signed an official thirty year lease this morning with the Jacksonville Memorial Arena.  With this symbolic first step, Silva plans to ascend to the heights of business success by building the world’s largest Brazilian Jiu Jitsu academy.

“It’s only $26,000 per month in rent, so I only need to sign up 260 students to break even,” Silva stated.  “I should be able to do that within the first couple of months,” he added. “Of course, I can only hold classes on Tuesdays at 1:00 pm because of all the other events at the Coliseum, but parking is outstanding so I figure it should be a fair trade.”

Silva, a blue belt, might be considered a journeyman at Brazilian Jiu Jitsu by most people.  Far from stopping him from launching his BJJ academy, Silva believes his fresh perspective on the art form can add value to the training regimen of his students.

“If you want to learn coherent technique, taught in the traditional way, there are lots of places in Jacksonville that offer those things,” Silva stated. “My competitive advantage is that I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing, and that’s going to allow us to create a lot of moves that nobody has ever seen before.  It’s exciting.”

Classes begin on Tuesday at 1:00 pm. Monthly fees range from $100 to $750, depending upon whether you can defeat Silva in a five-minute, points-based sparring session.

 

Stud Muffins Attend Local Open Mat

So we had a visiting black belt come through from Fight Sports down in Daytona yesterday.  It was a great training session, and I learned a lot.  He brought some regular, run-of-the-mill guys with him to participate.  I snapped a picture:

bodybuilders
We heard it was no gi day. Who wants to roll?

Yeah.  Nothing like showing up to BJJ practice with your normal dickbag level of fitness and find a trailer full of savages salivating at you as you slip into your gi. If I had to sum up what it felt like, I’d offer the following:

surrounded
C’mon guys. You said LIGHT rolling!

Look, there’s nothing wrong with being a stud.  If you want to do silly shit like cardio, training, practice, eating right, and getting proper rest, you too can be a BJJ savage.  If, like me, you prefer hookers and blow, long walks through the food court, and staying up all night watching soft porn on Skinemax, you probably aren’t going to make much progress, but I digress.

Contortion_backbend (1)
Execute a back bend. Finish the choke.

We learned the loop choke, and several variations.  I did almost all of them correctly, except for the one where the black belt is all like “All you need to do is dislocate your spleen, do a Cirque du Soleil backflip roll, and finish him by inserting your leg around the back side of his body at an impossible twat-waffle angle.” But hey, practice makes perfect.  Or some shit about perfect practice…who the fuck knows what that crap means.

I should mention that this is, by no means, my first encounter with loop chokes.  If you’d like a run down on my previous experience, I offer you the following article:

A Fishy Metaphor and Other Nonsense

Bible Verses For BJJ, And Other Tomfoolery

offended-jesusNow, I’m not an uber-religious dude, but I do read the bible.  I consider it to be wisdom literature of the highest order, and if you’re me, you could use a little wisdom from time to time.  That being said, I’ve compiled a compendium of my favorite scripture for Brazilian Jiu Jitsu for your viewing pleasure, gentle reader.  These verses will comfort you, set you on the right path, and remind you what BJJ is all about. Here goes:

John 11:35Jesus wept.  This is an important lesson for white belts, because there will be tears.  You might try to hide it behind statements like “we win or we learn,” and “a black belt is just a white belt who never quit,” but you know that deep down in your heart your soul is leaking. If you’ve ever been on the bottom in North/South, or gone through the progression of collar chokes from back, or had your oil checked by a higher belt, then you know all about tears. Also, if you’re a higher belt, it’s OK to make white belts cry because Jesus said so.

Ephesians 6:12For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of darkness in this world, and against spiritual wickedness in high places.  Not a biblical scholar?  Let me help you with the interpretation of this one:

Principalities = Black Belts
Powers = Brown Belts
Rulers of Darkness = Purple Belts
Spiritual Wickedness in High Places = Blue Belts (But only in mount)

Joshua 7:12– Therefore the children of Israel could not stand before their enemies, but turned their backs before their enemies, because they were accursed: neither will I be with you any more, except ye destroy the accursed from among you. Just a friendly reminder not to give up your back. If you do, God will abandon you. Don’t shoot the messenger.  🙂

Joshua 22:8And he spake unto them, saying, Return with much riches unto your tents, and with very much cattle, with silver, and with gold, and with brass, and with iron, and with very much raiment: divide the spoil of your enemies with your brethren.  I’m pretty sure this means that you’re supposed to split your medals up among the kids that didn’t win any, you know, so everybody feels special. I’m also pretty sure you’re supposed to bring a burger for everyone if you go to Five Guys.  That’s what the cattle thing is about. Also, I think we’re supposed to live in tents when we go to competitions. Thus sayeth the Lord.

Judges 2:18 And when the LORD raised them up judges, then the LORD was with the judge, and delivered them out of the hand of their enemies all the days of the judge: for it repented the LORD because of their groanings by reason of them that oppressed them and vexed them.  I’m fairly certain this verse is meant to help me not punch a referee in the face when they start favoring the Brazilians or counting to three as slowly as humanly possible. The LORD is with the Judge people, so you’re going to have to complain to someone other than the head referee. Like that one time, in a competition, when I mounted a fat guy but my knees jesus.jpgwouldn’t touch the ground, and the ref wouldn’t give me the points, and I was both oppressed and vexed.  Yeah. The Lord is with THAT GUY.

Oh, calm your tits.  Jesus knows what I’m up to, and he clearly didn’t smite me, so we must be cool. I think God has a sense of humor.  The church…not so much.

 

Exclusive Pics of Me in NoGi Attire

I love NoGi!  Especially when guys feel the need to grapple with no shirt on.  It’s like sliding down the slip-n-slide of destiny towards purgatory.  There’s nothing like heavy breathing, sweat-laden men, and close proximity to the wobbly bits.  And then there’s my physique, svelte as I have become. I’ve managed to find a few pictures of me in NoGi attire for your viewing pleasure:

biscuitsFirst up, the busted can of biscuits.  This is what happens when I try to wear rash guards developed for normal people.  At some point or another, a pasty white substance is going to come floating out of a crack.  While you might not want to take a bite, I assure you I’ll always rise to the occasion.  Get it?  Rise. It’s a fucking biscuit. But I digress.

nickelsNext, we have a bag of nickels.  This is what I looked like in my early days when I refused to grapple NoGi unless I had on a pair of sweats.  Why?  Because I’m sexier in sweats, and because the sweat is gross.  Ironically, the sweats made me….well, sweat….which only served to double the amount of greasy goodness I had to wade through in each practice.

muffin20top20120400.jpg-1And then there’s the muffin top.  This is what I look like when I wear spats.  There’s just not enough structure in those cool looking octopus spats to contain my sexy, and therefore I come rushing out like a tsunami.  Ride the waves, but please don’t take a bite out of crime. I know I look good but that shit hurts.

Now, I’ve lost almost 70 lbs, so don’t give me too much shit.  Also, if you’re going to reply to this post with your wonder supplement or miracle diet, please kill yourself.  I know what I need to do.  Train.  Eat clean. Have your mom home by 10.  I got it.  Now, chill out and ponder this wonderful image from the interwebs while I go sweat with the other fatties.

reopard

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