We’ve begun filming for our very first sports documentary about my struggles with weight loss and Jiu Jitsu. Even though it may be a year or more in the making, we thought it might be cool to put together a little promo from the footage that we do have and give you a taste of what it’s all about. Enjoy:
Since I’m a blogger, and a practitioner of Jiu Jitsu….well, “practitioner” is a strong word….practicer……ehm, tryer…..yeah…..Since I’m a tryer of Jiu Jitsu, I guess that makes me a Jiu Jitsu blogger. I thought I might write a blog post about Jiu Jitsu blogs that I think are cool, and whose owners could definitely kick my ass, so here goes:
1) The Jiu Jitsu Laboratory. They write cool articles and make awesome observations on Jiu Jitsu athletes and life in general, and I’m pretty sure they can beat me at grappling.
2) The Ryno Tuff BJJ Blog. This is a really cool blog with lots of awesome content, including some comedy relief. In fact, they named a series of BJJ characters which are pretty awesome. Can you guess which one I am? Yeah, the SHW or Super Heavy Weight. They also correctly predicted that I suck balls when somebody puts me in knee on belly. Guess who would win that match? Xactly.
3) The Jiu Jitsu Blues. I really like this blog because the layout is awesome and interactive, and the guy has a similar “voice” to my writing style. Also, he has the nuts to tell it like it is, such as the linked post here that reminds us that even after a decade we will probably still suck. Pretty sure he can kick my ass too.
So, as the wise man says, “If you can’t beat them, join them.” This is my way of making friends in the BJJ blog community.
So, I’ve been struggling with Jiu Jitsu for a couple of months now, and I think I’m making some gains….you know…..in a “that-guy-gets-choked-a-lot” sort of way. I’ve arrived at the decision that the primary problem I’m facing is the 100 pound mini me I carry around every day…yep, my sexy. Also known as a gut.
Now I’ve started a very refreshing and fulfilling (lies, and damn lies) dietary shift by which I hope to combat my….ahem….robustness. Although it will invariably result in mas suckitude, it must be done. I’ve limited myself to 2000 calories per ball busting day, and so far I’ve had great success not eating someone’s face out of sheer hunger, although I did nearly brutally beat a soccer mom over a half-eaten cordog, but I digress.
The hope is that since I like Jiu Jitsu, and I’d like to suck less at it, that I will finally be able to find the motivation to abstain from yummy deliciousness in favor of becoming a svelte BJJ conquering machine. We shall see. Right now all I can think about is a burger, and It’s taken me six days to write this article because of lack of energy due to the calorie cut. Siiiiiigh.
So, I have a new goal in life. I bought a rash guard by Contract Killer that is quite possibly the dopest thing ever created in this universe. Of course, they max out at 2XL, but I ordered it anyway. When it arrived, I squeezed myself carefully into it.
Bottom line, I looked like somebody shoved a cupcake into a condom.
Not that I have a problem with injection-molding myself into an outfit, and it might even be beneficial from a motivational standpoint (you know, to make me want to go that extra round and lose that muffin top), but I would quite literally scare off new customers at the gym.
“You work out how many times a week? And you look like that? C’mon Fred, we’re leaving.”
So, my new goal in life is to lose enough weight to sport my Contract Killer rash guard without feeling like a fat kid rolled up in Saran Wrap. I shall henceforth launch myself into accomplishing said goal.
So, I had the good fortune to come across this little gem, Bas Rutten’s new O2 trainer. The idea is that it limits the amount of oxygen you can take into your body by causing you to breath through a little hole, which you can subsequently make smaller as you get in better shape.
I’m sure skinny people love this device in the whole “Let’s make training as hard as possible without killing ourselves” sort of way. I, on the other hand, happen to have a built-in O2 trainer. It’s called being fat. I still remember vividly my first day of Jiu Jitsu, having to run from the mat into the back and get naked in a cold shower in order to avoid passing out. No fancy breathing apparatus required.
“Training at altitude” for me means standing up. Just saying.
I do, however, think that the device is a good buy, mostly because I don’t want Bas to hear about this article and subsequently kick my ass….so go buy one. Seriously, it’s a good idea.
You can find other ways to make training harder, such as eating 100 cheese burgers or asking your partner to kick you in the junk at random times, but this is perhaps the least permanent way to ramp up the intensity. Fat guy approved.
There’s only one endeavor where blowing chunks could possibly be considered a good thing, and that’s exercise. I’ve been pounding away at the Asanovich regime with reckless abandon, and I’ve actually had to take my first vomit break. It’s a proud day in the fat guy household.
In other news, I’m in the process of getting my stuff together to start working on “Fat Guy In A Little Movie,” a documentary detailing my struggle to lose weight and un-suck at Jiu Jitsu. I’ve ordered the camera and more or less planned the sequence of the movie. Now I just have to actually lose the weight and improve in Jiu Jitsu. Easy peasy. Pretty soon I’m going to be doing the horizontal macarena on mofos and tapping out people like it’s cool.
I expect to start writing a lot more when I start filming this movie, and also posting funny video clips of me getting tapped out by everyone and their brother. Start spreading the word, cuz if you think the blog is funny the movie is going to have you leaving pee stains on the couch.
Also, I think I’ve got the flu. FML.