sharkI’ve got some friends who are quite good at Brazilian Jiu Jitsu.  If I had to describe their BJJ as an animal, I’d say a hawk, or a panther, or even a shark.  Yeah, a shark.  That’s some terrifying shit right there. Those are all great analogies for a seasoned practitioner, but what about a 340 lb white belt?  Not a shark.  Definitely not a shark.

Here are a couple of great animals that remind me of my BJJ:

cow-awkwardLet’s begin with awkward cow.  He’s more or less resigned to the fact that he’s not going anywhere, so he’s just going to go ahead and chill there on top of that fence.  Reminds me of any time I get put in side control or mount.  Not going to be leaving?  Might as well try to make myself comfortable.  Oompa you say? Shrimp you say?  Nay, says I.  You’ll get bored evenually and leave me alone, or a farmer will show up.  Either way works for me.

awkward-dogOr, how about this guy….Awkward dog.  Notice how he’s become entrapped in some sort of neck strangle and can no longer figure out what to do.  Never has a metaphor been so fitting in all my years of crafting clever word-smithed giggly goodness. This is me basically any time somebody puts me in guillotine.  Since almost nobody knows how to finish it, I’m in very little danger.  But I’m also not escaping because, frankly, my head is bigger than the hole in which it’s become trapped.  Again, a human will eventually help me out, so I’m just going to stay put.

bear-guard-pullAnd, ah yes.  Let’s not forget awkward bear pulling guard.  You could be in real danger if you wade into my guard, but you’re probably not going to, right?  Since I’d rather hibernate than chase you, I’m probably going to just end up sitting here like this until the beeper goes off and we change partners, at which time I will repeat the same scenario again.  Now, don’t get me wrong.  I’ve got both claws and teeth if you are silly enough to crawl between my legs, but almost nobody does.  Yeah, hibernation.  It’s good and good for you.  Also, I’m furry as fuck, but unlike this guy I wear rash guards.  Bad form, Mr. Bear, bad form.