Fat Guy BJJ Blog

The slightly sarcastic, nominally entertaining Brazilian Jiu Jitsu adventures of a 30-something Dad


July 2014

Jiu Jitsu Rainbows, and the Gentleman’s Side Control Escape

Jiu Jitsu RainbowWe had a regular Jiu Jitsu rainbow in class today, which is what I call it when we have someone in class representing every rank in the belt progression from white to black.  It’s a beautiful sight to see.  It’s almost like a real rainbow, you know, if real rainbows could break your arm off and beat you with it.  Imagine skipping carelessly beneath a beautiful rainbow in a meadow and then having the rainbow crush you with suffocating weight until you can’t freaking breathe.  Yeah, it’s like that.

In other news, I learned a side control escape that involves digging your elbow violently into the neck of your opponent and I thought to myself, “Self, isn’t there a more personable way of escaping side control?” It might go like this:

“Pardon me, dear sir, but your top pressure is practically suffocating.  Might I bother you to raise up slightly so that I can abscond from this perilous situation?”

“Well, you seem like a decent chap.  I’ll tell you what…wiggle a little to the left and then thrust your wobbly bits and, Bob’s your uncle.  We’ll pretend like you earned it.”

“You’re a scholar and a gentleman.  Cheers.”

“Right-O.  Ready, set, go.”

If only the world were a little more civilized…..


“Coupon For Some Sake”

7-poses1So I learned a new judo move today.  I’m pretty sure it’s called “Coupon For Some Sake,” but who really knows what the hell these judo kids are talking about anyway?  The move involves gripping the sleeve and lapel of your opponent in a special way, and then doing a fucking river dance ensemble.  Seriously, it’s like gay ass ballet meets super athletic combat sport.  Wrap your mind around this progression of events: start in fifth position, then move to battlement tendu front before dropping into a plie (grand plie if you’re 6’4″ tall like me).  All while gripping your opponent just so (I don’t know how to actually describe the correct technique because I apparently did it wrong 384 times in a row).  Somehow, your opponent is supposed to fly past you and land on his head.

Now, you tell me why that’s easier to describe in ballet terms.

In other news, I have officially fit back into my blue gi.  Nevermind the lapels look like a hotdog bun trying to hold a watermelon.  It’s a fucking benchmark, bastards. I’m one step closer to being able to order a new gi that is not hand crafted by Persian tent makers. Maybe I’ll pick one with a slick design so I can be like the cool kids.  Perhaps a new gi review coming in the next weeks.

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