offended-jesusNow, I’m not an uber-religious dude, but I do read the bible.  I consider it to be wisdom literature of the highest order, and if you’re me, you could use a little wisdom from time to time.  That being said, I’ve compiled a compendium of my favorite scripture for Brazilian Jiu Jitsu for your viewing pleasure, gentle reader.  These verses will comfort you, set you on the right path, and remind you what BJJ is all about. Here goes:

John 11:35Jesus wept.  This is an important lesson for white belts, because there will be tears.  You might try to hide it behind statements like “we win or we learn,” and “a black belt is just a white belt who never quit,” but you know that deep down in your heart your soul is leaking. If you’ve ever been on the bottom in North/South, or gone through the progression of collar chokes from back, or had your oil checked by a higher belt, then you know all about tears. Also, if you’re a higher belt, it’s OK to make white belts cry because Jesus said so.

Ephesians 6:12For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of darkness in this world, and against spiritual wickedness in high places.  Not a biblical scholar?  Let me help you with the interpretation of this one:

Principalities = Black Belts
Powers = Brown Belts
Rulers of Darkness = Purple Belts
Spiritual Wickedness in High Places = Blue Belts (But only in mount)

Joshua 7:12– Therefore the children of Israel could not stand before their enemies, but turned their backs before their enemies, because they were accursed: neither will I be with you any more, except ye destroy the accursed from among you. Just a friendly reminder not to give up your back. If you do, God will abandon you. Don’t shoot the messenger.  🙂

Joshua 22:8And he spake unto them, saying, Return with much riches unto your tents, and with very much cattle, with silver, and with gold, and with brass, and with iron, and with very much raiment: divide the spoil of your enemies with your brethren.  I’m pretty sure this means that you’re supposed to split your medals up among the kids that didn’t win any, you know, so everybody feels special. I’m also pretty sure you’re supposed to bring a burger for everyone if you go to Five Guys.  That’s what the cattle thing is about. Also, I think we’re supposed to live in tents when we go to competitions. Thus sayeth the Lord.

Judges 2:18 And when the LORD raised them up judges, then the LORD was with the judge, and delivered them out of the hand of their enemies all the days of the judge: for it repented the LORD because of their groanings by reason of them that oppressed them and vexed them.  I’m fairly certain this verse is meant to help me not punch a referee in the face when they start favoring the Brazilians or counting to three as slowly as humanly possible. The LORD is with the Judge people, so you’re going to have to complain to someone other than the head referee. Like that one time, in a competition, when I mounted a fat guy but my knees jesus.jpgwouldn’t touch the ground, and the ref wouldn’t give me the points, and I was both oppressed and vexed.  Yeah. The Lord is with THAT GUY.

Oh, calm your tits.  Jesus knows what I’m up to, and he clearly didn’t smite me, so we must be cool. I think God has a sense of humor.  The church…not so much.