If you’re already up on my situation, I’m attaching this picture as proof of life:

jon-alive

So I had myself an interesting weekend. I was scheduled to have surgery to repair my Atrial Fibrillation problem (aFib) using some sort of secret squirrel shock therapy or some shit.  In order to do that, they needed a good look at the inside of my heart.  Apparently, in order to do that, they need to go INSIDE my body since, you know, lungs and bones and skin and shit are in the way if you try to image from outside the body.

Long story short, Thursday morning I find myself deep throating a TEE probe (Transesophageal echocardiogram).  Now, that might sound benign, but when medical terms come out and you have no idea what they mean, you’re about to get fucked by technology.  In this case, I had the opportunity to give technology a blow job, which, honestly, is way over due.  I mean, technology has done so much for me, but I digress.

Here’s what the probe looks like:

probe

Aaaand, here’s a donkey dick:

Donkey_penis

I trust you can see the similarity. Anyhow, the donkey dick of destiny uncovered a major problem.  I have an Atrial Thrombosis, which is an over-educated dickbag way of saying I have a blood clot in my heart.  That’s not good.

Now, the clot won’t kill you as long as it remains in the heart.  If that shit gets pumped out into the system, you’re solidly fucked.  Hence, it doesn’t make much sense to put my heart back into rhythm where it will, subsequently, immediately pump the thrombus out into my circulatory system and start fucking shit up like the mosh pit at a Hatebreed concert. Instead I’m on blood thinners.  Lots and lots of blood thinners.  With the hope that the thrombus will stop being a twat waffle and go quietly into the night.

So that’s how my weekend is going so far.  A night in the Cardiac ICU and a blowjob, although I was hoping to receive one rather than give one, but fuck.  What can you do?

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