I sometimes get a pretty good laugh out of Jiu Jitsu class. Just listening to instructors trying to explain the super-human shenanigans that they would like you to emulate is enough to cause most fat people to hyperventilate. I call them “stupid human tricks.” Flying arm bars, rolling back flips, Gumby-like contortions. You get the idea. Nothing is quite as amusing as when the 8% body fat guy looks at you and goes, “It’s easy. Just flip backwards over your shoulder, and you’ll come up on top of him.” Right. How about we turn this into a sleeping contest, or a hot dog eating contest, or something else at which I have a chance of performing successfully. Bastards.
In other news, we now have a curriculum, which is a series of 96 Jiu Jitsu moves, each consisting of approximately 43 steps, which must be performed flawlessly in order to get a new stripe. Not a new belt, mind you, just a stripe. I should have taken Karate. I’d be a flipping magenta belt by now, or whatever the fuck they have at the top of the food chain. Or Tae Kwon Do. I’d be the grand master of the solar system by now. But nooooo, I wanted to learn Jiu Jitsu. We actually have belts that you can’t get until you’re like 80 years old. Seriously. We’ve also added Judo to our training mix.
Judo is a really neat martial art. It’s basically the art of getting body slammed before you do Jiu Jitsu. I’m opting out until I lose substantial weight. There are only so many body slams a fat guy can take before we need a nap.