Join Combat Athletix today and I will personally guarantee that you will lose 100 lbs, add 96 inches of muscle, and become the taker of Norwegian virginity in 30 days or less, period.  *Individual results may vary.

The North American mountain lion makes an outstanding sex partner for those lonely evening camping occasions.  *Individual results may vary.

Also, I’ve developed an amazing new product that is proven to cause women to swoon, your Jiu Jitsu partner to love you, and clouds to part revealing rays of sunshine lighting your angelic face.  It’s called toothpaste.  *Individual results may vary.

In other news, a study has been conducted which reveals that you can eat 4500 calories per day if you commit to doing cardio kickboxing for three straight hours.  *Individual results may vary.

And finally, if you decide to go to Jiu Jitsu six times in a week, do a Muay Thai class, jump rope for ten minutes, and weigh more than 300 lbs….please understand that *Individual results may vary.  That is all.