Douche pickles.  There’s one in every crowd.  You know them because they usually are loud, obnoxious, and can’t go for more than five minutes without reciting their resume.  It’s like the bullet points on their resume are peacock feathers, and it’s mating season for peacocks.  They have to posture and flaunt.  Is it ok to call them douche-cocks?  You decide.

I had the opportunity to observe a legitimate douche-cock in action today.  It all started with a phone call to the gym during which the douche-cock in question said, “I just want to test ya’ll out, cuz what I do is far superior to what ya’ll do.”  Right.  So, in walks douche-cock 1 with douche-cock 2 in tow.  He looks like a black Paul Sr. to me, big arms, looks like he’s carrying the imaginary box, couldn’t fight a round to save his life from lack of conditioning, you get the idea.  Douche-cock number 2 looks a little more athletic, but still has a distinct aura of douchiness.

And then the trash talk begins.  I’ve noticed in my life that people who can’t do a thing busy themselves with talking about it, meanwhile people who can do the thing are busy doing it.  Douche-cocks numbers 1 and 2 both fit firmly into the former category.  They claim that their method is superior, but they don’t want to spar.  Apparently they’re professional fighters, but have a 0-0 professional record.  I don’t even know.  Of course they don’t want to talk about Jiu Jitsu (or “wrastlin” as they call it) because Jiu Jitsu is the anti douche-cock.  Nothing tames the ego of a big guy like being choked out by a barely-breathing-hard female who’s less than 1/3 of your weight.  It’s pretty impossible to call yourself an expert after that.  So yeah, no Jiu Jitsu.

I can’t help but wonder what the goal of the exercise was for team douche-cock?  If they wanted to look like fucktards, they succeeded.  You’re not going to impress a group of hard working professional trainers with sloppy footwork, lack of head movement, and an obviously weak cardio base.  Also, it’s not really that impressive if you personally know professional fighters or trainers (supposedly), because that still doesn’t prove that YOU can actually do anything.  Third, it’s doubly unimpressive if you insult a REAL fighter by calling her stupid when she exploits the obvious holes in your ridiculous resume.

But I digress.  I did have the opportunity to watch a “stress test,” which was educational.  I also got to shake the hand of a legitimate Gracie, who hopefully will choke me out several times tomorrow.  I’m pretty sure you’re not a legit BJJ guy until you’ve been choked by a Gracie.  I think I rate a stripe on my white belt for having met a Gracie.  I instantly went outside looking for someone to choke.  I walk past like five guys who were in better shape than me, but finally settled on an old lady at publix.  I used the double leg take down on her and passed her guard, circled around into the north-south choke, but she rolled me and beat me with her purse.  Crap.  More training needed.