1) “Those mats are really soft.” Oh yeah?  Tell it to my separated shoulder.  Those mats are most assuredly not soft.  Just ask anyone who has every attempted to do a rear naked choke on their opponent and made the mistake of leaning forward while doing it.  Hint: if you do this you will see the floor, then the ceiling, then the floor again (except really, really close this time).  When you arise, should you arise, you will know for certain that the mats are not soft.

2) “It must be really easy.  All he’s doing is laying there.”  Yep.  It’s easy.  All you have to do is not panic, not get choked, not get arm barred, not get shoulder locked, not let them get past your guard, try to improve your position, try to anticipate what your opponent is going to do next, try to think of a way to trap him in a submission or improve your position, remember to breathe, and look cool at the same time.  Easy peasy.

3) “The big guy will win for sure.” Yeah.  No.  So far I’ve managed to get choked by three white belts (all of whom were smaller than me), a black belt (size doesn’t even matter when you’re rolling with a black belt), and a blue belt who happens to be female.  All of them, who range from 50 to 150 lbs smaller than me, have had absolutely no trouble flipping me on my head, causing me significant pain, and generally embarrassing me.  Add to that videos such as the following, and you know for sure that size means nothing:

4) “Jiu Jitsu is a great work out.” No.  A great workout is one in which I do fifteen minutes of cardio interspersed with being finger fed grapes and rubbed with warm oil by a team of Norwegian virgins.  Jiu Jitsu is an unbelievably brutal workout which makes me want to pass out and vomit, often simultaneously.  It’s not for the weak of heart.  And, by the way, if you find a team of female Norwegian BJJ practitioners who want to feed me grapes, please send my regards.

5) Jiu Jitsu class is full of good looking hispanic men with perfect smiles and chiseled abs.  Well, this one is mostly true.  There is a fairly large portion of hispanic and Brazilian  stud muffins involved with BJJ.  But then there’s me, and herein lies the problem.  If you go to BJJ class to roll around with Pablo the Love Muffin, you’ll likely end up getting sweaty beneath my unrelenting top game.  LOL.  Perhaps not what you bargained for, eh?

Advertisements