Today I learned a couple of very important lessons in Jiu Jitsu:  1) I roll like square rock, and 2) Do not get your head caught between someone’s legs.  Especially if that someone has the jaws-of-life thighs.  Also, I busted my shoulder while being flipped over in some sort of break-dancing helicopter sweep by Mr. Smiley.  I think that has something to do with my lack of rolling ability.

In other news, I only nearly died twice today, which is a steady improvement from my first Jiu Jitsu lesson a couple of weeks ago.  Also, after having kneed my training partner in the eye once, and chopping her in the throat as well, I have agreed to let her punch me in the face at random (within a 4 hour widow so I can wear a mouth piece.  She is a professional fighter) in retaliation for my uncoordinated ostrich flailing and the damage I have caused.  I have yet to decide whether this is a good idea or not, but I’m leaning towards “I’ll probably regret this.”

I’m starting to feel the panic subside when I’m on my back with an opponent on top of me.  At first, I felt the strong urge to slap and claw like a girl fight while simultaneously biting.  I figured that would not be well received in the Jiu Jitsu community, so I settled for tapping out quickly.  Then, I was just confused for like a week.  I just stared at my opponent with a look of fear and loathing.  Finally, I figured out that I can do some stuff from that position.  And, if all else fails, I got sweeps.

Restaurant lady: “Here’s your check.”   Me: “I forgot my wallet.”  Restaurant lady: “I guess I’m going to have to make you wash dishes.”  Me:  “Nah, I got sweeps.”

To the man robbing the liquor store: “Sir, I don’t think you want to do that.”  Robber: “Yeah?  Why not?”  Me:  “Cuz I got sweeps.”

President Obama:  “I’d like to tax you a little more so the poor can be better off.”  Me:  “Uhm, I’m gonna go with no.”  Obama:  “How will you defend yourself against my army of liberal zombies?”  Me: “I got sweeps.”

See?  Works in every scenario.