So, it’s not secret that a brother has recently begun practicing Brazilian Jiu Jitsu.  It’s fun, and it’s a great workout, but I suck huge ferret huevos at it right now.  Not gonna lie.  Here are my top five (mostly true) ways to tell that you’re a white belt:

1) You out weight your opponent by 300% and still get choked. Yep.  True story.  And he was a she.  It’s cool.  I have no ego left anyway.

2) When your instructor tells you it’s time to roll, you ask if you have to go the whole way down the mat this time.  I did that one too.  Apparently “rolling” is the part where I try to perform the move that I just learned ten minutes ago to no effect.  Who knew?

3) You get stuck in your instructor’s guard as sit up, throw up your hands, and ask “What now?”  To my eternal shame, I kinda didn’t get the whole “rolling” thing.  I guess the objective is to try to attain a dominant position and perform a submission trick of some sort on your opponent.  Great.  But what do you do if you don’t know any submissions?  It’s a good question, right?

4) You’re so fat they actually don’t make gis big enough for you.  I’m pretty sure its impossible to be fat and good and Jiu Jitsu.  Everyone who has choked or arm barred me so far has been pretty thin.  So, if you’re fat, you’re probably a beginner.  Just an observation.

5) You don’t even own any of those super-sexy rash guards and fancy split-side shorts, so you wear a t shirt and cargo pants.  Always the one to make a fashion statement.  You know how I roll.