So I showed up at BJJ class today to learn that certain days are no-gi training days, and other days we wear a gi. Now, a gi is akin to a gigantic bath robe made out of the least comfortable fabric known to man. It breathes about as well as an asthmatic fat kid after a three block run. It’s really comfortable.
Since it was a gi training day, and I didn’t have a gi, I had to go to the magical box of slightly scary lost and found gis. We managed to find a size 5 gi for me to wear. Only issue is that I’m about a size 7. Making a long story short, I couldn’t even wrap the silly thing around my sexy (some people have more sexy than others). We ended up stretching it around me as best as possible and securing it with my white belt. Good enough for the girls I date.
Except the first move that we practiced required my partner to grab both lapels of the gi and hold them together in his hand. This is laughable because there was no possible way that those gi lapels were going together. All of the pharaohs men, equipped with the finest ropes and slave drivers could not have pulled those lapels together. Epic fail.
Then, I had the opportunity to “roll,” which apparently means to exert yourself as much as possible without actually accomplishing anything. I rolled with Mr. Smiley, who happens to be a gigantic beast of a man, and the experience was similar to wrestling a statue. I was moving about, doing my best to get in what I think of as a dominant position, even though I wouldn’t have any idea if I tripped and fell in a dominant position, and Mr. Smiley layed upon his back, squeezed me with his legs, and looked terribly unimpressed with my efforts. Finally, having had enough of my antics, he did a little something which resulted in intense pain and I tapped out. It was terribly demotivating.
That being said, I did get my work out on. I nearly passed out twice, quazi-vomited at least once, and succeeded in doing about half of an Americana submission on my partner (hint: you do not get partial credit in Jiu Jitsu). Oh well. Try again tomorrow.