Today I wanted to look into an emerging trend that I have been noticing in gyms all over America: Pervasive Man Boob Syndrome, or PMBS. PMBS is an unsitely, sometimes fatal excess growth of fatty material in the area where dudes normally store their pectorals. It is usually associated with the unfettered consumption of Checkers burgers and sweet tea. Left untreated, PMBS may result in public humiliation (particularly when running), embarrassing situations, and shifting of the center of man balance.
The only known treatment for PMBS is exercise, diet, and crack cocaine medication. There are several known side effects of these treatments, including unsitely sweat rings around the man boob, green poop (from the salad, I think), and nipple trauma.
I recently experienced said nipple trauma while attempting to go 45 minutes on the cardio deck of death. About minute number 41 I started to notice a weird tingling sensation around the area of my man boob. I thought nothing of it at first, but by minute 43 it was a flaming circle of exercise-infused nipple torture. I attempted to compensate for the boob gyrations taking place as a result of the maniac machine with mixed results. The pain stopped, but the weird movement caused my center of balance to shift and I ultimately fell off of the machine and smacked my face on the mirror, leaving little snot streaks for about 8 inches.
In retrospect, I should have fashioned a man bra, or at least put bandaids over those bad boys or something. Consider yourself warned.