So I was pumping a little iron, looking at myself in the mirror, and grunting loudly when a nice little old lady walked over to me. She stood next to me awkwardly for about two minutes, presumably waiting on me to finish my power set with the fifteen pound dumbbells that I was sporting. She was starting to creep me out, and I briefly considered dropping a dumbbell on her foot before she finally spoke:
“You have nice, big arms…can you tell me how to get rid of this?” With that, she rolled up her sleeve and displayed a hanging glob of wrinkly skin where the normal person stores their tricep. Frankly, I was impressed. I had no idea that skin could stretch like that. It was educational.
Now, I’m facing a dilemma of epic proportions here. She’s apparently both elderly and blind, and I’m not exactly a fitness guru, as illustrated by my hugeness. Is it wrong to offer fitness advice when you have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about? The only way that I know of to get bigger arms is to pound eleven cheese burgers seven minutes before bedtime, but I somehow doubt that was the solution my new friend was looking for. I thought it over for a minute and then decided that, since I’ve made it to day 3, I’m entitled to dispense a little advice. Since I know nothing about fitness, I decided to see how many ridiculous exercises I could get her to do before she ruptured her spleen.
To make a long story short, apparently clean and jerk is not the best exercise for the elderly. She made it through the 8 count body builders, but the clean and jerk was just too much. The things I’ll do to entertain myself…. She promised not to sue me, so I think I’m good for the moment.
Today I did 30 minutes on the elliptical trainer, did a bunch of sets of curls and back exercises. You don’t care because I haven’t actually lost any weight yet. One day, when I’m skinny, you’ll all be asking for my workout routine, but I’ll be all Jack Nicholson on you like, “You can’t handle the workouts!” You heard it here first. Get me while the stock price is still low.